Q. We are lucky enough to be lent a chalet in Verbier. My wife invited her niece and boyfriend who is showing signs of becoming a fixture. He is not blessed with a great intellect and has been brought up in a household where shared meals are a rarity. He has little in the way of table manners. Chalet breakfasts often consist of croissants and honey. He used his knife to help himself to honey so, ensuring I was observed, I placed some on my own plate using a teaspoon. He then emulated this by using the spoon to spread the honey on his second croissant, thereby transferring crumbs, butter and possibly bodily fluids to the honey pot. This was but one example of a number of calumnies. They are likely to wish for further invitations when others may be present. I am concerned that this young man may become embarrassed by his lack of simple table manners. How can I help him develop a few social graces without embarrassing him, upsetting my wife’s family and not seeming to be a snob myself?
J.W., Woking, Surrey
A. Most chalets of the type you mention have drawers full of information about the chalet itself, the central heating, local amenities etc. Why not use your computer to knock up an illustrated basic handbook to correct table manners as should be employed in the chalet and pass it off as something supplied by the owners. ‘Look at this!’ you can cry in fake surprise as you take this pre-planted document out of a drawer. ‘How funny! I suppose some of the people who come to stay here make that old-fashioned connection between skiing and finishing schools and like to be told.’ Leave the booklet around so the boy may browse it at his leisure. If he fails to take in the lessons you can then genially tease him about his mistakes as the whole table discusses the handbook.
Q. Many years ago my dear husband switched his addiction from cigarettes to Nicorette gum. The first thing he does in the morning is pop a gum in, and last thing at night he takes one out and carefully places it on his bedside table or any available surface. When we watch the news or read the papers the clacking noise of the gum between his champing jaws becomes even more pronounced as he uses the hypnotic grinding action as an aid to comprehension. He commutes by train and it’s got to the point where even fellow passengers on First Great Western — who after all do not endure the gum clacking and dropping in their own homes on a continuous basis — have been driven to implore him to ‘chew less loudly’. Mary, I married him and feel that Nicorette is part of the package (whenever I complain, his response is that he should not chew less loudly, but that I should become less sensitive), but others may not be so lenient. What should I do about his bovine habit?
R.D., address withheld
A. Turn him from bovine back to beau by using nicotine replacement lozenges. These are widely available in chemist shops and have a very low OQ (offence quotient) since no champing is required for their consumption. The lozenge, or part of, is placed under the tongue or in the cheek from where it delivers its goods steadily and almost by stealth. One lozenge can last a few hours. Try NiQuitin in the same dosage as your husband’s gum. Leave the lozenges out and hide the gum. He will swiftly switch addictions.
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