Q. I ride a bike from Chiswick to the City each morning. It is a ten-mile journey that takes 45 minutes and it is good for my weight and mental health. I lock my bike to a lamppost outside my semi-detached house as there is no room for it inside. Now an official-looking sign has appeared on the lamppost saying ‘It is illegal to attach bicycles to this lamppost’, but I have checked and it is not from the council. I think it must have been made by Photoshop and put up by my neighbour on the other side of my semi-detached house. She is the only other person who can see the lamppost. I don’t want to fall out with my neighbour but I think it dishonest of her to put up this notice. What should I do?
– C.W., Chiswick
A. Respond gently by having an official-looking sign knocked up yourself that says ‘It is perfectly legal to attach bicycles to this lamppost’ and placing it on top of your neighbour’s sign.
Q. My husband has got into the bad habit of grumbling each morning when he wakes up. He likes to complain that he hasn’t slept well and doesn’t feel well. He then sits down to a huge breakfast and laments the woes of the world for at least half an hour. I wear EarPods to cope but I am worried about a forthcoming Scottish house party where he is bound to depress the other guests with this behaviour first thing in the morning. Would it be acceptable to ask if he could have breakfast in bed so that he can be kept out of the way? He is usually fine again by about 10 a.m. In a house party of 20 surely no one would notice his absence?
– Name and address withheld
A. No, it would be disruptive were your husband to be absent during the informal ‘parliament’ which occurs during a Scottish house-party breakfast. Normally guests are required to say whether they wish to walk or fish or take part in other sports, and numbers need to be calculated. If your husband is not present it will be inconvenient for his hosts. You can preempt grumbling by having his plate loaded to the hilt ready for him to start eating the minute he walks into the room. Ideally save him a place at the table between children, so the audience for woes-of-the-world bellyaching will be denied him.
Q. I have had my teeth whitened and they look overly bright and jarring. What can I do?
– B.W., London W6
A. Red wine and black coffee will reverse this nuisance. Gargle with these liquids and spit them out. Or fill your mouth guard and bathe the teeth in them for ten minutes a day. White teeth have peaked, incidentally, along with overlong fake eyelashes.
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