Manners

Q. I’m the author of 14 books, mostly historical fiction but a few children’s books, all published by a major firm. I find that I sometimes get invited to grand dinners in Notting Hill where I am often put next to a middle-aged banker’s wife. When I tell them about what I do and how hard it is to sell books, they start giving me their advice. It’s always the same: ‘You should really go on Instagram’ and ‘Have you tried TikTok?’. I feel my blood boiling because these are people who have never earned a penny or done anything, and I have no desire to submit myself to a

Q. How can you leave a party early – e.g. at midnight rather than 4 a.m. – without everyone thinking you are letting the side down? My partner and I really enjoyed a recent wedding of two friends but we had to take a flight to the wedding and therefore had a really early start. By midnight we had been up for 16 hours without a break and, although it was really fun, we were shattered and just wanted to go back to the hotel. However, when we mentioned we were leaving, the whole table turned on us and we had to stay on till the bitter end. What should

Q. I was caught off guard last week by a busybody mother at my son’s boarding school asking us to join them for their sports day picnic. I pretended we would have our son’s godparents with us but she just said words to the effect of ‘bring them, the more the merrier’. My son doesn’t even like their son. How can I get out of this without causing offence? Name and address withheld A. Tell the busybody you have thought through her kind invitation but, realistically, you want the godparents to concentrate on your son because ‘they see him so rarely’. At the event itself, the busybody may not notice

Q. Having previously lived in the country in a field with my nearest neighbour not even visible, I recently moved to a large village. I inherited a nice garden with lots of shrubs and perennials that make me very happy. However, my neighbour, whom I like and have for dinner, also likes my garden plants and secretly helps herself to my flowers. I have even been to her house and seen my delphiniums in a vase on her table. I’m new to the area and I want to keep the friends I’m starting to make, but I really mind her barefaced thievery. What do I do? – E.B., Oneonta, New

Q. I have a problem with a much older friend who is slightly insecure and super-sensitive to criticism and I don’t know how to tell her an uncomfortable truth about her guest lavatory. The lavatory shaft has a coating of thick brown limescale, inches deep. She is not short-sighted so clearly both she and her cleaner think the lavatory is perfectly presentable. I am going to stay with her in London and you might think I should just buy limescale remover but, were I to do so, she would notice the transformation and would then feel she had been foolish not to have known that such a product exists. She

Q. I find that when I go to mixed-age dinner parties the young all seem to be shouting. How can one tell them to pipe down without puncturing their ‘self esteem’? – N.H., London SW7 A. Young people’s voices have indeed become louder. The habit of wearing headphones and watching Netflix with subtitles so they can double-screen has compromised their ability to hear real-life voices and in response they shout. If, apart from the shouting, you still enjoy socialising with the young, you could equip yourself with noise sensitivity loop earbuds and use these in some capacity. Q. I am an artist and have started employing a neighbour who comes

Q. My soon-to-be mother-in-law has started off-loading large amounts of her expensive but hideous cast-off clothes on to me. I don’t want them for many reasons, but we are moving into a much larger flat with lots of cupboards, so I can’t use limited space as a reason to reject them. She is not controlling, just tone-deaf. Can you help at all? — Name and address withheld A. Scroll through your contacts and source an impoverished and unchippy friend who would genuinely jump at the chance to refresh her wardrobe with these luxury cast-offs. Regale your mother-in-law with vivid hardship anecdotes about this friend, adding: ‘Incidentally, she is actually obsessed

Q. I enjoy giving dinner parties and put a lot of effort into the preparations. However, recently I have noticed that much of the food I lovingly cook goes uneaten despite proclamations of how delicious it is. It has dawned on me that a large number of my friends are secretly on weight-reduction injections, and barely want to eat. I don’t like to ask beforehand about such a sensitive issue, yet neither do I want such waste, so how can I assess the right amount to make?  – M.B., Chelsea, London A. An extremely well-informed source calculates between 15 and 30 per cent of those in elite circles are currently

Q. I’m quite a good friend of a member of our royal family – going back to our shared school days. However, someone who has recently married into my family knows this and they are quite shamelessly pushing me for an introduction. At the moment I am playing for time but I definitely have no intention of fixing up a meeting. Please can you come up with a suggestion that will enable me to knock what would be an awkward scenario on the head? – Name and address withheld A. Kill their ambition by a bit of overstatement: ‘The funny thing is, because we became friends when we were at

Q. Annoyingly, one of the Sunday newspapers ran an article about the ‘least used but most scenic footpaths’ in the UK, which identified paths in our immediate area. We have never had a problem with local trespassers on our own land but this article has prompted a deluge of incomer ramblers. They are traipsing not along any of the marked nearby footpaths, but across our field, which has no crops in it but is directly opposite our house. When I politely explain that it isn’t a right of way, they get very defensive, sometimes outright rude. What is the best way to deal with the situation, Mary? – A.F., Shropshire

Q. At the age of 50 my brother-in-law has discovered a talent for acting and singing. He has joined a local amateur dramatics society and often takes a leading role. This new dimension in his life has meant the world to him and his self-confidence has soared. Theatre is not our thing, but as my husband and I live in the same town we feel it incumbent to be loyal and attend at least one performance of a run. The small venue tends to become quite warm and stuffy and, with the best will in the world, my hard-working husband finds it difficult not to nod off, especially if he

Q. A divorced male friend, renting in Notting Hill, has had no historic experience of cooking but has discovered Lidgate pies and started giving lunches. His dining table seats 12, he provides good wine and cheese and the ambiance, the quality of guests and the (fake) log fire make for a superb atmosphere. His morale has been considerably boosted. But sadly the pies (potentially fabulous) are always lukewarm by the time the food is on the plates. Am I alone in thinking that hot plates are essential when serving hot food? If so, how can I say something without undermining his new confidence? – B.B., London W11 A. Well done

Q. Every year my husband takes two weeks’ prime salmon fishing on a Scottish river. It’s a really nice holiday with a comfortable lodge and a cook. Around Christmas time we start inviting couples to come to stay as our guests, usually by email. Some of them tend to be slow to respond, which is annoying because you just want to know if they’re coming so you can ask other people if not. I feel it would slightly spoil the invitation to put at the end: ‘Please get back to us with your decision as soon as possible.’ Do you have a more subtle idea? – Name and address withheld

Q. How can we get our new unsatisfactory house cleaner to resign? There is a huge demand for cleaners in our neighbourhood (the going rate here is £30 an hour, cash), and it took us months to find her, but we are frustrated by her resistance to our direction. If we ask her to tackle specific areas, or to do specific jobs, she says it’s better for her to judge what needs doing. Incidentally we noted, when she had two weeks off, that we were able to do ourselves, in roughly half the time, what she does for us. We would like to dispense with her services, but she is

Q. This may sound ridiculous but I have an issue with the Big Issue seller near me. I am in that street several times a day, and he is usually waving and smiling and holding the magazine up at me. He even tried to make me buy a second copy of the Christmas issue, though he knew I had already bought it from him. He said something about wanting to buy his children chicken, which seemed like emotional blackmail. I find I now avoid the street if he is there and go a longer way. I saw a friend’s husband giving him £5 and not bothering to take the mag

Q. When is the cut-off date for wishing people a happy new year and asking if someone had a good Christmas? I’m finding it increasingly difficult to stay civil. – L.G., Fosbury, Wilts A. 14 January is the cut-off date for wishing people a happy new year. The Church itself puts an end to Christmas officially at Candlemas on 2 February, so it is absurd to persist in mentioning it beyond this weekend. Bear in mind that these well-wishers mean no harm. They are usually just stuck for something more interesting to say. Q. We have bought a house in Somerset, but the council requires the bins to be placed

Q. I am a single woman in my thirties and I am at my wits’ end as to where I can meet intelligent, interesting bachelors. Apps are hopeless. I work in publishing but literary men are endlessly promiscuous. Most men my age at parties are married. Any suggestions? – M.S., London SW11 A. You are looking in the wrong places – areas where too many women are competing for too few men. Knowing they are a scarce commodity prompts commitment-phobia in literary and arty types. Better to set out into nerdier pastures in search of an underconfident geek who only needs a makeover. Start attending lectures and conferences in theoretical

Q. A Belgian couple (a baron and baroness, no less) are regular visitors to the Highlands and I have come to regard them as friends. We always visit good restaurants and go Dutch on the bills. Recently, however, they have taken to bringing over two young men who are a couple and neither of them so much as ‘taks their hand across their pockets’, as we say here. As an Aberdonian this grieves me greatly, as my share of the bill has escalated, and I have consequently taken to shying away from meeting my Belgian friends. Mary, how can I resolve this without causing offence? – M.R., Aberdeen A. Highlight the

Q. A kind villager gave us a jolly circular tin of sweets for Christmas. We are both overweight and would normally have no compunction in simply re-gifting such a present, but unfortunately the ingredients listed are almost exclusively ultra-processed. I therefore feel that any potential recipients might be insulted by our giving it to them as all our friends know we would not dream of eating the sweets ourselves. What should we do, Mary? – M.N., Burford, Oxfordshire A. Make the regifting impersonal by donating it to the food bank at your local supermarket. Q. My boyfriend’s hair is often fluffy at parties. I’ve told him not to wash it

Q. I have a dear friend who is in a newish relationship. The partner – whom I hardly know – recently visited my city, asked to stay, and groped me soon after arriving. I would like to maintain my relationship with my friend, but if I invite him for dinner he’ll ask to bring his partner, whom I don’t wish to see. Mary, is there a delicate way to handle this without causing a fuss? — Name and address withheld A. Tell him that you have booked a pedicure for both of you – a one-hour session where you will be seated side-by-side in the salon. This will enable you to