Manners

Q. At the age of 50 my brother-in-law has discovered a talent for acting and singing. He has joined a local amateur dramatics society and often takes a leading role. This new dimension in his life has meant the world to him and his self-confidence has soared. Theatre is not our thing, but as my husband and I live in the same town we feel it incumbent to be loyal and attend at least one performance of a run. The small venue tends to become quite warm and stuffy and, with the best will in the world, my hard-working husband finds it difficult not to nod off, especially if he

Q. A divorced male friend, renting in Notting Hill, has had no historic experience of cooking but has discovered Lidgate pies and started giving lunches. His dining table seats 12, he provides good wine and cheese and the ambiance, the quality of guests and the (fake) log fire make for a superb atmosphere. His morale has been considerably boosted. But sadly the pies (potentially fabulous) are always lukewarm by the time the food is on the plates. Am I alone in thinking that hot plates are essential when serving hot food? If so, how can I say something without undermining his new confidence? – B.B., London W11 A. Well done

Q. Every year my husband takes two weeks’ prime salmon fishing on a Scottish river. It’s a really nice holiday with a comfortable lodge and a cook. Around Christmas time we start inviting couples to come to stay as our guests, usually by email. Some of them tend to be slow to respond, which is annoying because you just want to know if they’re coming so you can ask other people if not. I feel it would slightly spoil the invitation to put at the end: ‘Please get back to us with your decision as soon as possible.’ Do you have a more subtle idea? – Name and address withheld

Q. How can we get our new unsatisfactory house cleaner to resign? There is a huge demand for cleaners in our neighbourhood (the going rate here is £30 an hour, cash), and it took us months to find her, but we are frustrated by her resistance to our direction. If we ask her to tackle specific areas, or to do specific jobs, she says it’s better for her to judge what needs doing. Incidentally we noted, when she had two weeks off, that we were able to do ourselves, in roughly half the time, what she does for us. We would like to dispense with her services, but she is

Q. This may sound ridiculous but I have an issue with the Big Issue seller near me. I am in that street several times a day, and he is usually waving and smiling and holding the magazine up at me. He even tried to make me buy a second copy of the Christmas issue, though he knew I had already bought it from him. He said something about wanting to buy his children chicken, which seemed like emotional blackmail. I find I now avoid the street if he is there and go a longer way. I saw a friend’s husband giving him £5 and not bothering to take the mag

Q. When is the cut-off date for wishing people a happy new year and asking if someone had a good Christmas? I’m finding it increasingly difficult to stay civil. – L.G., Fosbury, Wilts A. 14 January is the cut-off date for wishing people a happy new year. The Church itself puts an end to Christmas officially at Candlemas on 2 February, so it is absurd to persist in mentioning it beyond this weekend. Bear in mind that these well-wishers mean no harm. They are usually just stuck for something more interesting to say. Q. We have bought a house in Somerset, but the council requires the bins to be placed

Q. I am a single woman in my thirties and I am at my wits’ end as to where I can meet intelligent, interesting bachelors. Apps are hopeless. I work in publishing but literary men are endlessly promiscuous. Most men my age at parties are married. Any suggestions? – M.S., London SW11 A. You are looking in the wrong places – areas where too many women are competing for too few men. Knowing they are a scarce commodity prompts commitment-phobia in literary and arty types. Better to set out into nerdier pastures in search of an underconfident geek who only needs a makeover. Start attending lectures and conferences in theoretical

Q. A Belgian couple (a baron and baroness, no less) are regular visitors to the Highlands and I have come to regard them as friends. We always visit good restaurants and go Dutch on the bills. Recently, however, they have taken to bringing over two young men who are a couple and neither of them so much as ‘taks their hand across their pockets’, as we say here. As an Aberdonian this grieves me greatly, as my share of the bill has escalated, and I have consequently taken to shying away from meeting my Belgian friends. Mary, how can I resolve this without causing offence? – M.R., Aberdeen A. Highlight the

Q. A kind villager gave us a jolly circular tin of sweets for Christmas. We are both overweight and would normally have no compunction in simply re-gifting such a present, but unfortunately the ingredients listed are almost exclusively ultra-processed. I therefore feel that any potential recipients might be insulted by our giving it to them as all our friends know we would not dream of eating the sweets ourselves. What should we do, Mary? – M.N., Burford, Oxfordshire A. Make the regifting impersonal by donating it to the food bank at your local supermarket. Q. My boyfriend’s hair is often fluffy at parties. I’ve told him not to wash it

Q. I have a dear friend who is in a newish relationship. The partner – whom I hardly know – recently visited my city, asked to stay, and groped me soon after arriving. I would like to maintain my relationship with my friend, but if I invite him for dinner he’ll ask to bring his partner, whom I don’t wish to see. Mary, is there a delicate way to handle this without causing a fuss? — Name and address withheld A. Tell him that you have booked a pedicure for both of you – a one-hour session where you will be seated side-by-side in the salon. This will enable you to

Q. My husband has a stressful job and needs to quietly decompress at the end of the week. This is also the time of year when he has the most sporting invitations and we are often driving 100 miles or more on a Friday night. Our problem is that, due to the nature of the invitations – house parties – we are often asked to give a lift to another person also coming from London. My husband is, honestly, a lovely man but not good on Friday nights, especially if the person in the back seat is a bit of a twitterer. Even with all the kit, there is room

Q. I have been working in London as a receptionist in a private members’ club and consequently have had the opportunity to meet and chat to a number of single men – always while sitting safely behind my desk. Now I have left the job, one of these members has started direct messaging me and asking for a date, saying that he would like to get to know me better. I would like to know him better too. I sense there is more to him than the braggart he presents as – but the other girls who worked with me say he always lunges and only wants one thing. How

Q. To my surprise I have been asked to give a eulogy at the funeral of someone I knew only quite well. I accepted more out of embarrassment than for any other reason but I will feel rather bogus delivering this encomium when there will be much closer friends present who may rightly be annoyed by my taking on this commission. Advice, Mary? – Name and address withheld A. Your name, which has not actually been withheld from Dear Mary, suggests you may have been chosen for status reasons. A funeral is not a time to be mean-spirited however, and the key thing to remember about a eulogy is that

Q. I am a concierge for a high-net-worth individual. She likes to communicate with me mainly via WhatsApp voice messages and it’s not unusual to receive ten of these a day. The messages are often lengthy and I find it tedious having to listen carefully right to the end in case I miss some vital instruction. For example, she might be talking about the dinner she went to the night before but embedded within her ramblings could be: ‘By the way, could you get the plumber back urgently to the London flat – water is leaking from the basin in my bathroom.’ How can I tactfully ask her to waste

Q. I have a very dear friend who lives in Scotland, so we rarely see each other. Before the internet existed, we would call each other on the landline two or three times a year for a pleasant catch-up, and meet sporadically. However, since the onslaught of social media, my friend has taken to sending several WhatsApps per day, almost always saying things like ‘How is your day going?’, adding a few banal details of the current weather in the Highlands or what she plans to bake that day. I feel guilty if I don’t reply at all, so find myself sending pleasantries back, even though I am feeling very

Q. We want to keep on good terms with a potential grandson-in-law but he does not have the right kit. This doesn’t always matter these days, but it mattered when we took him and our granddaughter to our local racecourse. He came in a suit which he boasted he had not worn since school. He was bursting out of it and the trousers were six inches too short. How, without alienating our granddaughter, can I convey that he really must buy a new suit? – Name withheld, Newbury A. You can make an informed calculation about what off-the-peg-sized suit would fit your potential grandson-in-law and acquire one from an outlet

Q. I meet a very old and dear friend for lunch on a regular basis. We meet at a lovely family-run Italian restaurant in Charlotte Place in Fitzrovia because it is exactly halfway between where we both live. Over the years it has become rather beyond our means but we don’t like to break with tradition. We have always taken it in turns to pay the bill, but my friend has become somewhat forgetful, and for the last three lunches has said: ‘How lovely that it’s your turn to pay.’ I realise she isn’t purposely making me pay each time, but I can ill afford the extra expense. How can I

Q. I am at a dinner and the man on my right won’t turn and I am staring ahead feeling ultra self-conscious and victimy. The table is too wide for the people opposite to help out. What to do? – L.P., London W11 A. Twenty years ago the answer to this question would have been: ‘Place your hand on to the offender’s thigh.’ Today you will need to get the attention of your host at the head of the table and give a subtle signal that a disruption is called for. An experienced host will break the spell by clinking a glass and making a pleasant announcement of some kind and

Q. Fewer people carry cash. The traditional pourboire is at risk. I am bored with lending money to our otherwise lovely house guests. Would it be unmentionably vulgar to install simple swipe card machines in the spare bedrooms? Please advise, I would be grateful. – N.C., Stanton St Bernard, Wilts A. Swipe machines are not the answer. There are two categories of likely offenders here. One: people under a certain age are often unaware of the custom of tip-leaving. They need to be told. Two: guests who are aware but never carry cash, then suffer from post-hospitality remorse when they forget to pick some up and have to leave without

Q. We live in an area with no mobile reception and trying to get hold of taxis for guests leaving late at night or early morning after a party is nerve-racking. We have only two local taxi firms, both of which stop working after 10 p.m. When taxis from outside the area try to find the house, the signal drops as they near and they can’t find us. What do you suggest?  – A.E., Pewsey A. Put a warning on your invitations that since taxis will be unable to find the house, guests should screenshot your enclosed map, send it as an aid to the taxi firm and agree a precise