Q. When I have an arrangement to meet a certain friend for lunch she sometimes turns up with a streaming cold – and then I catch it. I would never dream of meeting a friend when I am ill; I would always say to them: ‘Do you want to meet me with a cold? It’s up to you.’ She’s a bit fragile, so how do I tell her off without causing any offence?
– J.F., London SW12
A. An inoffensive but effective measure would be to update your WhatsApp profile picture to one of you holding a large handwritten sign saying: ‘No colds please!’ The repeat offender is bound to query the new profile photo and you can say: ‘Oh, I am just fed up with catching colds from friends who don’t mention that they have one when we arrange to meet.’ In this way you are not pointing any fingers as everyone within your WhatsApp contacts will ‘get the message’.
Q. My husband and I have already been to three weddings this summer, and a fourth one looms. We feel nothing but love for the next happy couple and will definitely enjoy the service and dinner in the marquee. What we will not enjoy is the three-hour longueur in between the two. Even if it involves catching up with old friends, or meeting new like-minded people, we just don’t have the stamina to remain animated over such a long period. Any tips as to how to survive?
– C.R., Wylye, Wiltshire
A. Instead of driving to the wedding in your own car, go to camplify.co.uk and hire a camper van to see you through the next ordeal. You can park it alongside the other cars in the general car park and hide inside having cups of tea with your feet up until you feel strong enough to re-enter the fray. No one will be able to see whether you are inside it or not, and you can even have a power nap in there.
Q. I have been living with my boyfriend for two years. Today, without looking at the name on it, I opened a small parcel that came through the letterbox. It contains a ring sizing gauge. Obviously I can’t now hand it to him and explain that I opened it, so what can I do?
– Name and address withheld
A. Collude with a neighbour to turn up holding the parcel at a time when you know you will be out and your boyfriend will definitely be in. This neighbour is bound to sympathise and he can be scripted to say that the parcel was misdelivered to his house and he’s terribly sorry but he tore it open without looking at the name. In this way your putative fiancé will not realise that his secret romantic plan has been sabotaged by such a banal act of carelessness.
Write to Dear Mary at dearmary@spectator.co.uk
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