Q. A good friend often cycles over when I invite him for drinks. The trouble is he insists on turning up slightly sweaty in Lycra, and it makes things awkward when other guests are in jackets and dresses. Mary, how can I steer him towards something more civilised without causing offence?
– B.H., London SW3
A. Begin a tradition of taking a group photograph in front of your grandest backdrop. Mention casually on the invitation: ‘We’ll take a quick photo when everyone has arrived.’ Few men will risk posterity, or indeed Instagram, in Lycra. Your friend will find himself spontaneously smartening up his act without your having to intervene.
Q. I have decided I might fancy an old friend (I am fairly sure he once fancied me), but we’re not in the habit of speaking or seeing each other regularly. Do you have any advice on how I can establish more frequent contact, without him feeling that I am being weirdly pushy – especially if he’s no longer interested? – W.P., London SW9
A. Why not challenge him to a match on chess.com? Even if neither of you currently plays, a novice can get up to speed enough to be able to compete after only about 20 practice games. Fans say they find this app so enjoyable that it prompts daily use. It’s therefore the perfect way to build intimacy from an unthreatening distance. You type comments as you go – e.g. ‘I can’t believe you’ve taken my knight’ – and can gradually introduce casual social side notes such as ‘Have you seen that new film at the Curzon?’, thus giving him the chance to ask if you’d like to see it with him.
Q. A friend insists on sending long voice notes instead of texts. They ramble on for minutes at a time, often recorded while he’s walking down the street, so I get traffic noise as well as half-formed thoughts. By the end I’ve forgotten the start and can’t easily refer back. How can I nudge him back to the written word without sounding like a dinosaur?
– H.R., Kampala
A. Voice notes are like Marmite. Some people adore them; others resent the time they take to listen to. Many have updated their WhatsApp profiles to clarify their tastes: ‘voice notes preferred’ or ‘please do not leave voice notes’. If it’s just his that you object to, and you fear upsetting him by saying so, turn the nuisance to your advantage. When you see a note is, say, ten minutes long, then aim to play it on loudspeaker while setting yourself a ten-minute deadline to complete some boring chore.
Write to Dear Mary at dearmary@spectator.co.uk
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