Q. A friend, who I love dearly and who comes to stay a lot, has always been unforthcoming with gifts. I personally don’t resent this. I know his problem is not meanness but a neurosis about spending. He more than makes up for it by being wonderfully entertaining and sympathetic company. Another woman, having seen what a good guest he was at someone else’s house party, has invited him to stay for a week in a house she has rented. I know a bit about this woman, and it will go down very badly if he arrives empty-handed. She is not that nice and will talk about him. Despite our being very close, the ‘spending disorder’ is not a subject he would discuss with me. I have tried in the past to suggest presents for him to bring to hosts, but he clams up and looks miserable and still never brings anything. For your interest, he is a multimillionaire with no dependants. Any advice?
– Name and address withheld
A. Tell your friend that someone is sending you a case of wine which, although perfectly good wine, is one you would never drink yourself. You have nowhere to store it – would he mind if you have it redirected to him at the forthcoming house party, as they would certainly be able to get through it there? He would be able to pass it off as a house-party gift and no one would suspect its reject status. Then buy the wine yourself.
Q. Walking to my local M&S is a daily event but there is often a stall outside and representatives from one charity or another almost aggressively trying to lure me into setting up a direct debit payment as I’m trying to walk in. I already support a charity of my own choice but I don’t want to have to explain this to these people. Equally, I don’t want to look rude or uncaring. What do you suggest?
– J.F., Balham, London
A. Wear headphones as you walk in and laugh hysterically at an imaginary interlocutor’s joke, with your eyes so screwed up in mirth you cannot see anything but the shop door.
Q. I am almost 70 and find that when we meet up with old friends conversation seems to centre around our health and our children/grandchildren. It is all reasonably interesting, but there is an unpleasantly competitive edge. How can we steer the conversation back to the more enjoyable gossip we would exchange in our youth?
– Name and address withheld
A. Why not take a tip from a reader in Hampshire who, before conversation begins, says: ‘Do we all agree, five minutes on our health and five minutes on our family before we move on to the interesting stuff?’ He then sets a timer. His friends are unanimous in support of this initiative.
Write to Dear Mary at dearmary@spectator.co.uk
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