Q. I was at a house party in Yorkshire where one of the other guests had contributed a large joint of cooked beef. Eighteen of us were within minutes of sitting down to eat it with salad for lunch, but while helping to lay the table I could smell that something was not right. The meat was fashionably rare and had also travelled for more than four hours in a hot car from London. Our host agreed with me. The very last thing she wanted was to offend this guest who had spent so much and made such an effort, but she could not think of how to explain her last-minute substitution of eggs mayonnaise without telling the truth. Unfortunately the well-meaning guest insisted that the beef was ‘meant’ to smell like that and kept urging our host to serve it. How could we have handled this better, Mary?
– L.P., London W11
A. You might have explained to her, in mortified tones, that while your back was turned for one minute, one of the dogs had climbed on to the sideboard and got hold of the joint. The damage done was beyond repair.
Q. My brother and sister-in-law come and stay with us quite regularly as they have recently moved away from London. Last time they visited, after washing my new Sophie Conran sheets, I noticed terrible stains from what must have been fake tan, and which I can’t remove. I have a slightly delicate relationship with my sister-in-law and don’t want to confront her about this, but how can I prevent this from happening again?
– B.K., Pimlico, London SW1
A. Keep the stained sheets ready for their next visit, and remake the bed with the same ones. As you show your sister-in-law into their bedroom, pull back the sheets and draw attention to the stains. You can breezily explain that you are almost certain that it is fake tan and you cannot think who used the offending product, as you have had a stream of visitors, but you can assure her they are perfectly clean despite the indelible stains.
Q. People are beginning to ask me how I get on with my daughter’s mother-in-law-to-be. I don’t know what is the most tactful way to answer this as she is not a popular woman and it is obvious she and I have nothing in common. Moreover, I am fairly certain I have been rude about her in the past. I now want to be loyal, but I don’t want to annoy friends, who know me to be forthright, by being insincere. What should I do, Mary?– Name and address withheld
A. There is sometimes a case for blatant insincerity and this is one of them. Why not answer enigmatically: ‘She’s the kind of person who grows on you.’ After all, this may turn out to be true.
Write to Dear Mary at dearmary@spectator.co.uk
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