Devil's work

In Competition No. 2461 you were invited to think up Seven Deadly Virtues and to mock them in verse.

Chastity and sobriety and political correctness were obvious Aunt Sallies. Michael Saxby gave a wise warning against honesty: ‘Thus “Does my bum look big in this?” will land one in a mess/ Unless one says, “Of course not, dear” when really one means “Yes!”’, while Mike Morrison derided ‘the heinous vice/ Of being so insufferably nice’. The notion of the Seven Deadly Virtues, by the way, comes from George Moore’s Confessions of a Young Man, which strikes a lot of attitudes but also hits a great many nails on the head. The prizewinners, printed below, get £25 each, and the bonus fiver goes to Martin Woodhead.

From Charity, with which we shed
Hot coals upon our neighbour’s head;
And Chastity, in which, demure,
We hug ourselves that we’re so pure;
From Cheerfulness, through which we seek
To chide the poor and daunt the weak;
And from that crawling Humbleness
We glory in: Good Lord, deliver us.

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Gareth Roberts

Have I Got News for You is a sad, unfunny spectacle

From Thrift, that hooks the miser’s fingers;
From Peace in which the rancour lingers;
And worst of all, from the erroneous
Creed of each shifty, sly Polonius,
Which mouths, ‘To thine own self be true!’—
Meaning the world’s fair game for you;
In short, from feeling virtuous,
That deadly vice: Good Lord, deliver us.
Martin Woodhead

Patience is a silly trait,
Life’s too short to sit and wait.
Honesty will win no prize,
Power and wealth are built on lies.
Gentleness just ends in tears,
Kicks and cuffs about the ears.
Purity’s as dry as dust,
Missing all the joys of lust.
Charity makes beggars stay
Out of work to scrounge all day.
Piety beneath its veil
Hides the darkest beasts of hell.
Modesty with downcast face
Occupies the lowest place.
Frank Mc Donald