Monday
Am in maternity department of Uniqlo stocking up on affordable, down-to-earth clothes for Sam to wear as she reaches out to ordinary mums during her campaign. Luckily the managers didn’t mind barring ordinary customers from the shop so they could give me a private viewing.
Am honoured to be Sam’s press officer and making YouTube films is easy-peasy. You point the camera at her while she’s in the kitchen and say: ‘What are you doing now Sam?’ and she says: ‘Making a cup of tea.’ Then you wait a few minutes and say: ‘What are you doing now Sam?’ and she says: ‘Drinking a cup of tea.’ Dave sits typing on his iMac and every now and again looks up and says something terribly clever. Like last night, he almost looked right at me as I was filming Sam getting the dustpan out from under the sink and said: ‘It’s hardly Kieslowski, is it?’ I don’t know what that means, but it was really exciting. The actual next Prime Minister almost spoke to me!! It’s moments like these that make the low pay, bullying and ritual humiliation worthwhile.
Tuesday
Hooray! Stinky Gordon is on his way to see Her Maj and the nation is only four weeks from getting some decent wallpaper in Number 10!! Sadly, have been sacked as Sam’s press officer. Apparently, she doesn’t like being asked what she’s doing through the bathroom door while she’s trying to go to the loo. Talk about picky. May be getting out just in time. There’s a hitch with Leaders’ Wives appearances. Labour says Gordon and Sarah are going for three times a week, whereas Dave and Sam have said they will do it twice. Thankfully, am now in charge of ambitious new project, trying to get hold of the actor who plays Gene Hunt in The Ashes. I’ve never seen it myself but I’m guessing it’s about cricket. The big question: is he a Tory? And if not, might he come out for Brown or Clegg during the campaign? Cos if so, I’ve got to stop him, by any means, according to Gary. I’ll worry about that when I track him down.
Wednesday
Full cappuccino steam ahead! Dave is really warming to our election theme of ‘cutting taxes’ — such a good idea, can’t think why we didn’t come up with it earlier — and handing power back to the people. Never again will an overbearing state dictate the movements of British citizens. To ensure this message gets out everywhere, in exactly the way we want, our central computer Merlin 2 is giving candidates their orders every hour on the hour, via the mini-Merlin terminals in their constituency offices which are whirring away making sure no one does anything unscripted. As Mr Pickles says, ‘We don’t want them candidates so much as farting without our say-so!’ Unfortunately, have been sacked as head of the Gene Hunt Locator Department. Nigel reckons Wonky Tom has a mate who knows someone who once went on a cruise with his aunt so he is now spearheading that project. Am writing Eric Pickles’s election diary.
Thursday
Regrettably, have been sacked as Eric Pickles’s diary writer. He complained there were too many ‘ee by gum’s and ‘tha knows’s. Said I made him sound like the gamekeeper in Lady Chatterley’s Lover. Which has put an image in my head of Mr Pickles and Joely Richardson, you know... campaigning. Ugh! I can barely concentrate on our impending landslide and re-wallpapering.