SUNDAY
What a triumph! Sam launches conference with an Erdem Moralioglu jacket which is far more Modern and Compassionate than Sarah Brown’s Moralioglu dress. At just £500 off the peg, this truly is affordable fashion for the Age of Austerity and an example to all Britons of how to look good on a budget. Dave had a teensy problem with Europe on Marr but once the press realise Sam’s wearing shoes from Zara no one’s going to think that’s important.
Lord A’s people have rung all the candidates and read them The Three Commandments: Thou shalt not speak to Lobbyists; Thou shalt not commune with Hacks in Bars; Thou shalt not appear Triumphalist nor quaff of the grape that is known as the Champagne grape. And we’ve sent a separate text to shadow ministers: ‘Do not speak to anyone. Assume everyone you meet is wired.’ Which is ironic because Gary has fitted himself and about ten of us with earpieces which are hooked up to a central control room so we can co-ordinate if there’s a Code Red. V exciting!
MONDAY
Super speech by Boris! So funny, all those jokes about Europe and how we should have a referendum no matter what happens!! Dave said afterwards it was as good as Monty Python, said he and Mr Hague nearly wet themselves laughing!
Gids was good too. Being limited to four minutes and having the man who invented the vacuum cleaner on the platform with him really freed him up to be himself.
Bit of a hiccup when some smartypants at the Beeb pointed out that our proposals to take benefits off sick people were the same as Labour’s. A minor detail.
OMG! Dave has broken the Champagne ban!! How could this happen?? And at the Spec party too!!! Says he was looking the other way when a glass of Pol Roger just materialised from nowhere in his hand. He’s devastated. It’s a crushing blow.
TUESDAY
Checked on 15 fringes this lunchtime. All MPs and candidates had nice glazed expressions and were repeating the line ‘our policy on Lisbon is settled…’ Most of the audience were asleep. Hooray! Bit annoying that our public sector pay freeze is the same as Labour’s. Quick trip to the loo to swig a mini-vodka then it’s off to more fringes…
Code Red!!! Annunziata heard giggling! Deployed three operatives to intercept. Managed to get suspect out of range of journalists and escorted her outside. But ten minutes later someone spotted a curl of smoke. Huge team of heavies descended. Nancy Mogg, as Dave likes to call her, made a series of outrageous statements in her defence and even claimed she’d been sharing a ciggie with Dave who ran off when he saw us coming.
WEDNESDAY
Series of Code Reds. Three candidates overheard saying ‘when we win’. Managed to bring them all in. Room 101 in the Radisson is now our official holding centre. Then we had a Double Code Red — a drunk shadow minister hitting on a female lobbyist with the line, ‘Come back to my room and I’ll make you my adviser after the landslide.’
Be glad when this is over. One Tough But Tender set of expression guidelines for Dave’s speech tomorrow and we’re almost there.
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