Tamzin Lightwater

Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 11 April 2009

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

Monday

Bath plugs 25; scatter cushions 173; patio heaters 15; gazebos 3 (v bad).

I’ve made an official complaint to Nigel. They’re going to have to get me some help. I cannot man the Expenses Hotline on my own any longer and neither should I be expected to. It’s worse since they started sending in photocopies of claims for me to cross check. If I have to go through another ten-foot-long B&Q receipt looking for bath plugs and toothbrush holders I will scream. And how am I supposed to know if a garden heater is a legitimate expense? I suppose you could argue that an MP cannot be expected to catch a chill during essential family barbecues if he is to fulfil his obligations to voters properly, but I sense I’m on a sticky wicket. And what’s with the obsession with scatter cushions, and not v nice ones either? The suedette pink zebra-print ones sound disgusting. Everyone else in a stinky mood too because of our disappointing face time with Barack. V limited coverage and nothing about Michelle and Sam’s ground-breaking chat about Shiseido night cream. It ought to have been up there with the Bush-Blair Colgate exchange but for some reason no one picked up on it.

Tuesday

Jed read us the riot act this morning. We’re not pushing our expenses line hard enough. Despite Dave and Mr Pickles arguing incessantly for days that we must not have an inquiry as it will just hold things up and we need action now, it looks like an investigation will take place after all. This is v bad. I’ve got heaps of compelling reasons why we can’t have an inquiry on my desk and some of them make Jacqui Smith look thrifty.

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