Am sleeping on the bunk bed at Dave and Sam’s. The atmosphere is v tense.
SUNDAY
Am sleeping on the bunk bed at Dave and Sam’s. The atmosphere is v tense. We don’t know when they will come for us, but we know they will come and when they do we have to be ready. Miliband wasn’t ready, and look what happened to him. They found contact lens boxes and tin cans — tin cans! No doubt he was too busy thinking about policy to have someone check what was going into his bin — well, that is not going to happen to us. When the Mail and the Mirror come rummaging we will not be found wanting. Oh no.
MONDAY
Jed chased me out of kitchen this morning for frightening the children. Godammit — one of them dropped a piece of rainforest into the Brabantia! OK, so it was in the form of a lollipop stick but that’s not what the headline’s going to say. Last night I found a plastic bottle top in the wheelie. Told Jed, if you’re not prepared to back me up, then I’m afraid I cannot guarantee 100 per cent immunity from a load of rubbish exposés. He just laughed and laughed, which goes to show that anyone can crack under pressure. Now he’s sending me back to base to work on the front-bench reshuffle. Which is a bit like recycling, only with less material you can re-use. Nigel says that Mr Redwood is cybernetic, and therefore not biodegradable.
TUESDAY
Hours to go until announcement, and we still can’t decide whether to create a new post of Shadow Minister for Love. Personally, I’m with Dave on this. If love really is the answer to youth crime, we must bring it into the jurisdiction of government. For too long people have just been loving as they see fit, with no form of regulation or uniformity of approach. Apparently there are whole swaths of Britain where people are not getting loved at all. Talk about postcode lottery! Why should love be the preserve of middle-class families in the Home Counties? There should be an element of redistribution — spread the love! Some sort of star rating system might be in order. All in all, it’s a v balanced reshuffle. Out with the old (people) and in with the new. Especially super to have Eddie ‘Crazy’ Vaizey as shadow arts. Do feel sorry for Mr Jenkin, but at the end of the day there’s only so long you can deliver vintage stand-up performances night after night on the constituency circuit as you defend the A-list. Quite frankly, we feared he was headed for burn-out.
WEDNESDAY
Mr Swayne has discovered a horrifying plot to destroy the Speaker! He walked in on the plotters in a basement room with just minutes to spare before PMQs. Luckily, quick-thinking Dezzy managed to avert disaster by locking the door and running away. No matter how unreasonable Mr Martin is being, staging a Mexican wave while shouting ‘We hate you, fatso!’ is not going to make it any better.
THURSDAY
V exciting. Am off on regional tour to persuade people in the north that we care about the NHS. (And what better way to show we care than to go all that way!) It’ll be a bit of a squeeze in the back of the Lexus. Hope Mr Lansley doesn’t tell that story about the old days at the research unit ‘when he discovered Dave’. Mind you, could do with a snooze.
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