Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 13 June 2009

Monday

What a triumph! Not that we’re complacent. While this is undeniably a resounding victory which paves the way to our impending general election landslide, we are not taking anything for granted. In fact we are mindful that we may still lose. Except that we so obviously won’t! Hooray!!

Now, I must get my head around this ring-round of Euro people. We’re in ‘final negotiations’ — complete and utter panic stations — and Jed’s put a big target grid up on the whiteboard. We’ve got 50 MEPs from three countries but the rules say we need seven. So we’re trying Latvia, Denmark, Belgium, Lithuania and Estonia. For each MEP we bring in we get an extra frappuccino machine token. Tom’s ringing the Danes and Belgians, Poppy’s doing Lithuania and Estonia and I’m doing Latvia. I’ve got a phrasebook. I know how to say hello — ‘Sveiki!’ Now I just have to work out how to say, ‘Please could you come and join us in our breakaway anti-federalist grouping which will challenge the stagnating power blocks of the EU and forge a new era of free market-orientated co-operation.’ Should be able to piece something together…

Tuesday

Confusing memo from Dave saying we’re not to be fooled by Gordon’s survival. ‘Remember, the postman always rings twice.’ Not sure what he means but it sounds jolly spooky. He’s also cross about Sir Alan Sugar and how we don’t have any ‘prime-time celebs’. He says we’ve got till the end of the week to persuade Simon Cowell and Amanda Holden to head up a panel on voter apathy.

Should be easier than persuading the Eastern Europeans to join our new Euro grouping. Honestly, I’ve never come across so many rude people.