Monday
What a triumph! Not that we’re complacent. While this is undeniably a resounding victory which paves the way to our impending general election landslide, we are not taking anything for granted. In fact we are mindful that we may still lose. Except that we so obviously won’t! Hooray!!
Now, I must get my head around this ring-round of Euro people. We’re in ‘final negotiations’ — complete and utter panic stations — and Jed’s put a big target grid up on the whiteboard. We’ve got 50 MEPs from three countries but the rules say we need seven. So we’re trying Latvia, Denmark, Belgium, Lithuania and Estonia. For each MEP we bring in we get an extra frappuccino machine token. Tom’s ringing the Danes and Belgians, Poppy’s doing Lithuania and Estonia and I’m doing Latvia. I’ve got a phrasebook. I know how to say hello — ‘Sveiki!’ Now I just have to work out how to say, ‘Please could you come and join us in our breakaway anti-federalist grouping which will challenge the stagnating power blocks of the EU and forge a new era of free market-orientated co-operation.’ Should be able to piece something together…
Tuesday
Confusing memo from Dave saying we’re not to be fooled by Gordon’s survival. ‘Remember, the postman always rings twice.’ Not sure what he means but it sounds jolly spooky. He’s also cross about Sir Alan Sugar and how we don’t have any ‘prime-time celebs’. He says we’ve got till the end of the week to persuade Simon Cowell and Amanda Holden to head up a panel on voter apathy.
Should be easier than persuading the Eastern Europeans to join our new Euro grouping. Honestly, I’ve never come across so many rude people. One of them put the phone down on me today. Good job we’ve got till the end of the month to find allies. It’s getting a bit fraught. Tom’s been put in the Austerity Room for making a bad-taste remark about how we should ask the BNP — ‘They’d get on well with that guy we’ve got from Hungary who wants to lock up gypsies.’ As Jed pointed out as Tom was led away, the rise of fascist parties is not a laughing matter and we will be policing all jokes about it.
Wednesday
What fun! We’re having an online charity auction of all the stuff Tory MPs bought on expenses, a sort of Conservative car boot sale! I don’t think I’ve any chance of getting the duck house, way above my price range. But I might bid for the two-seater sofa, complete with leopard-print suedette cushions. All proceeds to a range of good causes including the newly founded ‘Conservatives in Crisis — helping needy MPs to repay their expenses since June 2009’.
Lot of discussion about how Dave should be nice to Gordon at PMQs. We may be the only ones who can save him now and goodness knows it’s in our interest. Trouble is finding something nice to say. Some sort of tribute to his pioneering ideas on scrappage perhaps.
Thursday
Mr Hague rings in from Brussels v stressed. He says a Latvian MEP just punched him in the face. The funny little man — the Latvian, not Mr Hague, obviously — says he was contacted by a Tory official and asked if he and his family would like to take part in a bondage session with other like-minded, free and easy individuals of a transvestite persuasion. Oops! I must get another phrasebook.
Comments