Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 14 February 2009

Monday

Major recession panic. Clearly we are being out-apocalypsed by Labour. Dave furious and wants to know why we’re still only predicting the worst downturn in 80 years while Ed Balls is calling it the Most Terrifying Depression in the History of Mankind. Obviously, we need to do the doom vision thing better, or we could find ourselves in government a year from now amid allegations that we didn’t see the end of the world coming. It’s not as if we didn’t make a good start with Gids predicting the death of sterling, but since then we have basically been playing catch-up. Thankfully our new economic recovery committee is now in place and will consider how to articulate a vision of ruin more dramatic than Labour’s at its first meeting. Can’t wait to see what it comes up with!

Tuesday

Deary me. Despite desperate appeals, Ken still won’t tell us his mobile number. Wonky Tom says he probably doesn’t have a mobile, but Nigel insists he’s seen him using it. It’s v inconvenient. As things are, we have to submit an email to his PA requesting he ring us, which takes on average about a week to register, and then we only get a call back from her saying he’s busy. Nigel feels the situation cannot be allowed to continue but the orders from Jed were explicit: ‘Give Ken whatever he needs.’ If what he needs is to be left alone 24/7 then maybe we’ll have to do that. In any case, Gids seems to be doing v well explaining our new economic values on his own. If you missed it: It’s time to realise that the bad old days of individuals striving for selfish rewards are over.