Monday
Major recession panic. Clearly we are being out-apocalypsed by Labour. Dave furious and wants to know why we’re still only predicting the worst downturn in 80 years while Ed Balls is calling it the Most Terrifying Depression in the History of Mankind. Obviously, we need to do the doom vision thing better, or we could find ourselves in government a year from now amid allegations that we didn’t see the end of the world coming. It’s not as if we didn’t make a good start with Gids predicting the death of sterling, but since then we have basically been playing catch-up. Thankfully our new economic recovery committee is now in place and will consider how to articulate a vision of ruin more dramatic than Labour’s at its first meeting. Can’t wait to see what it comes up with!
Tuesday
Deary me. Despite desperate appeals, Ken still won’t tell us his mobile number. Wonky Tom says he probably doesn’t have a mobile, but Nigel insists he’s seen him using it. It’s v inconvenient. As things are, we have to submit an email to his PA requesting he ring us, which takes on average about a week to register, and then we only get a call back from her saying he’s busy. Nigel feels the situation cannot be allowed to continue but the orders from Jed were explicit: ‘Give Ken whatever he needs.’ If what he needs is to be left alone 24/7 then maybe we’ll have to do that. In any case, Gids seems to be doing v well explaining our new economic values on his own. If you missed it: It’s time to realise that the bad old days of individuals striving for selfish rewards are over. The common good must come first. This is not socialism, for many important reasons too boring to go into. But we have had to revise a few policy statements slightly, eg ‘There is such a thing as society, and it is the same thing as the state’, and ‘Ask not what you can do for your country but what your country can do for you!’ — you have to admit, it has a nice ring.
Wednesday
Can’t find a single MP to criticise Jacqui Smith’s expenses. There must be somebody out there who isn’t claiming £500 a week second housing allowance, surely. We put out a global BlackBerry message appealing for clean skins but so far haven’t heard a word. Normally we’d use Mr Grayling, who Jed always says is as clean as a bar of extra virgin olive oil responsibly sourced organic soap but unfortunately even he’s got the whole ‘four homes’ thing going on. Last thing we need right now is to remind people that our MPs are millionaires.
Am off home early. Have decided to throw caution to the wind and go riding this evening. I can’t let myself be put off by the silly man who says it’s more dangerous than taking ecstasy. I have to live my life and if that means risking death by taking Sesame for a trot in Wibberley woods than so be it. Wish me luck…
Thursday
Huge excitement this morning when Mr Clarke phoned in!!! It was like a miracle!!!!! When word spread that Poppy had him on the line, the entire office stampeded to her desk and there was a horrible moment when it looked like she might get crushed. Luckily she managed to put Mr C on speaker so all 65 of us could shout at him in an orderly fashion. I knew we’d find a system!
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