Tamzin Lightwater

Diary of a Notting Hill nobody | 15 May 2010

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the election aftermath

Diary of a Notting Hill nobody | 15 May 2010
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Well, that wasn’t so bad, was it?! Ok, we’d have liked the voters to grasp just how brilliant Dave is — if only so I could have knocked back that bottle of champagne with Poppy and Wonky Tom on election night. And I’m sure Gary is feeling a bit embarrassed after calling nice Mr Murdoch to tell him the exit poll was wrong. Oops! But it’s all far from a disaster. I’ve always said those Liberals are such nice people. And the Cabinet Office has put on a lovely spread for our negotiations — mini quiches and everything!! Am charged with making sure a constant stream of cheese sandwiches gets to Mr Hague (and his v edible researcher). But then I’m also ‘looking after’ this freckled, ginger Scottish boy who seems to be quite big on the Lib Dem side. Look at them, they look like the cast of Harry Potter. How difficult can it be for Dave to twist this lot around his little finger? I reckon we’ll have it all wrapped up by Monday. Mr Hague just stormed out and shouted ‘Get DD on the phone! We need him to sedate up the right!’ There’s a thing I never thought we’d hear again. Wonder what on earth they could want him for? Commando tactics, no doubt — to push home our advantage. Dave and Nick have given their bodyguards the slip again and gone off for a bite to eat together! They couldn’t think of a tapas restaurant that deserved to go down in history so they had a pizza in Dave’s office instead. I’ve got the wind turbine company on stand-by, ready to fix up No. 10 for the new coalition. After all, yellow and blue makes green!!


Evil Gordon finally resigns! There’s me thinking everyone would be happy. But it turns out those weirdy beardies were talking to Labour behind our backs yesterday!! Our crack negotiation team (you know, the geniuses who put the election campaign together) had no idea. Unlike them to miss a trick. Retaliation time. I suggest we don’t give that ginger liberal his Dairylea sandwiches next time around, but everyone says that we’ve got to give the Libs whatever they want. V exciting!! We’re going to offer them AV (whatever that is). DD to be Home Sec and protect us from the ‘right’ (that’s what we call the men in ties). And if that doesn’t buy off backbenchers, Redwood can be Chancellor (nanu nanu!). Jed’s huddled in a corner quietly weeping into a plate of buffet sausage rolls. I don’t get it. A little pact with the Libs, me working on a ‘No to AV!’ campaign (really, really must check what this is), before a pointless referendum on voting reform — what’s not to like?! I think our director of strategy’s just in shock since Dave read him the riot act about wearing shorts during the election campaign. He thinks it’s all Jed’s fault we didn’t get a majority because he frightened voters with his hairy legs. This isn’t California, you know!!!


Dave v upset about having to talk to his MPs (you know: the low-caste ones who wear ties). He says having to talk to Tory MPs is not what he came into politics for. He’s getting v crotchety with us: ‘You should never have made me talk to that guy in the pinstriped suit. He was just some bigoted old man.’ Poor Dave. It’s made him even more keen on coalition with the beardie Libs — far better than working with loons demanding EU withdrawal and fox-hunting lessons on the national curriculum. Now we just need to get rid of Gordon, and Jed says it’s 100 years of glorious Liberal rule, or something like that!! He’s still muttering about how we’d have a majority if only the party had been-the-change a bit more. It’s all so confusing for all of us. Speaking of which — knew I forgot to cancel something. The man from Oka [??] just rang to say Gordon chased him away from the back door, shouting about how he wouldn’t let ‘evil Tory bourgeois settees’ over the doorstep while he still had breath in his body. Brings it home to you, doesn’t it? For three years, this country has had a Prime Minister who says the word ‘settee’... I just knew we would come out of these negotiations on top and form a strong, stable coalition with the Libs! It was obvious Gordon’s crummy little attempt to form a Government Of All The Losers would collapse under the weight of public outrage at this immoral attempt to deny the British people the opportunity to be saved by the brilliance of Dave. And a few Libby people doing non-jobs (like Secretary of State for Scotland, or another foreign office job). In any case, I’m sure it will all work out in the end.


Have packed up all my stuff! Although weirdly have still not heard what my job is. Am sure Dave has given me something key — they’ve probably just been too busy to tell me about it, what with all the Hogwarts negotiations. It certainly is v quiet around here suddenly, like that Weasley lookalike has put an invisibility spell on everyone!! I came in this morning and there was hardly anybody here. No Poppy, or Wonky Tom, or Jed or Nigel or Gary. Maybe they’re all having a celebratory lie-in. I’m sure they’ll be here any minute. In the meantime, I guess I’m pretty much running the country! Ooh! I could ring up Defra and get Sesame’s micro-chipped horse passport sorted out. This is the life, eh!