Diary of a Notting Hill nobody | 16 January 2010

Monday

V exciting! Now that we’ve decided to do married tax breaks for couples with children under five we’ll need an acronym. So we’re having a competition! I’ve come up with… the Married Couples With Children Under Five Allowance, or McWicufa. Pretty snappy huh! Everyone joining in the fun except for IDS who’s in a stinky mood and says if we’re going to limit his great innovation to couples with children we had better stipulate how many. He says only those with at least five children all aged under five should qualify. Something to do with God’s will and every sperm being sacred. Wasn’t that a song? I don’t know. He does go on sometimes. He says that once we roll it out to ‘all God-fearing couples joined together under his holy law’ (IDS’s or God’s??) we can fund it by imposing a new tax on those who are ‘living in sin’. If you ask me this is a teensy bit OTT. Still, might be fun to think of a name for it…

Tuesday

How typical of the Copycat Clegg to steal our idea of dumping policies. Can’t he think up any strategies of his own? It doesn’t bother us. U-turns are old hat now. We’re into a whole new approach called Circulation. It’s like Triangulation only it brings you back to where you started quicker. It’s v advanced and I don’t fully understand it but as far as I can make out, it works by you not just changing a policy, you change it then change it back again. Eg spending cuts to spending increases to spending cuts. We’re currently applying it to National Insurance: having said that we can’t reverse Labour’s tax rises we are now promising to (partially) reverse Labour’s tax rises.