Monday
Busy busy. Dave is adamant that foreign policy cannot be reduced to soundbites, so of course, as Jed explained, we need a range of soundbites to convey this. ‘We will give solid not slavish support to the US’; ‘We will not come up with grand schemes to remake the world’ (Nigel says this is just as well because we can’t think of any); and most important ‘We’re all neo-libs now’. Unfortunately, we’re short-staffed due to holidays in Corfu (we should set up an office there) so I end up doing both sides of the briefing. The notes were like a market research questionnaire. ‘If reporter neocon omit par. 5’, etc. Don’t know how we get away with it. Do these journos not speak to each other? What happens if they all get together and check their notes? Surely this is lying? Nigel says to think of it as ‘neo-fibs’. Says if I don’t stop fretting he’ll send me to work for Mr Bridges on his northern outreach mission. This is sobering. Nobody knows quite what he does, but rumour has it it’s just like the Salvation Army. He sets up a little stall on the streets and hands out leaflets to passers-by who jeer and threaten to punch him.
Tuesday
Everyone nervous because the ‘TB-GBs’ have gone quiet. Like losing an old friend, really. If you ask me, this whole Labour leadership thingy is very odd. Who is Tom Watson anyway? And why is he not allowed to give Gordon Brown’s baby a present? I think it was very nice of him. I know I shouldn’t really say this, but poor Mr Blair. I mean, obviously he’s ruined the country etc., but no one does an open-necked shirt quite like him. Dave considering sending a little note. Just a few lines to let him know that someone still appreciates him out there. Poppy dispatched on undercover trip to Clinton Cards to see whether they have anything suitable. Nigel suggests, ‘I’m sorry your party are such total s**ts, we’ll keep up New Labour after you quit.’ I think we may have to make do with ‘Thinking of you at this difficult time’, with a tasteful sunset in the background.
Wednesday
DD and Foxy furious at our ‘humility and patience’ foreign policy. DD says if Churchill had had humility and patience, we’d all be dipping bratwurst into our cappuccinos. He’s champing at bit because he thinks we’re not ready for Gordon: ‘When you hunt big game you better make sure you’re ready to kill with the first shot.’ Poppy says he’s yomping with his army rucksack again and threatens to ‘go dark on special ops’. She lives in almost constant fear that he will be discovered in the undergrowth at No. 10, his face covered in camouflage paint and a tin hat on his head.
Thursday
Have been given job from hell. I have to write a briefing paper on the Labour leadership rules. Jed tells me, with smug titter, that the girl who did this last year has been on sick leave ever since. He doesn’t frighten me. Obviously the thing to do is to just ring and ask them….
How rude! I’m sorry, Labour party, but you are not going to keep Middle Britain on board using language like that!
tamzin.lightwater@spectator.co.uk
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