Tamzin Lightwater

Diary of a Notting Hill nobody | 17 April 2010

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

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So exciting! Our lovely Cadbury bluey-purple manifesto is finally ready. The toll it has taken on Mr Letwin is horrific but Jed says a few months in the Austerity Room and he should be back to ‘normal’. (Our head of strategy’s finger quotation marks, not mine.) Mr Willetts jumping up and down with excitement at California-style referendums. Dave a bit cross-patchy about them. He says people had ‘bloody better not start demanding daft things like taking all the traffic lights down. What then, eh?’ Mr Letwin just squeaked. Our Leader also nervous about the ‘be your own boss’ idea. Keeps asking Mr Gove to explain how it won’t mean parents setting up schools that will be rubbish. Mr Gove says ‘N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-no!’, but I don’t think Dave is convinced. ‘Am I gonna have any control around here once we’ve handed all the power out?’ ‘N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-no!... I mean yes!’


Invitation To Join The Government of Britain is an instant soaraway success! In fact, according to Tom, who is analysing the initial BlackBerry download figures, it’s the most successful book with a long boring title since Vindication of the Rights of Women, whatever that was. Only Mr Maude is quibbling and says he’s not sure it looks boring enough. ‘People will say we’re being frivolous with the bluey-purple. We should have gone for black. Black with slightly less black lettering.’ Everyone else so happy we could burst! Am bit drunk after Jed opened some of the champagne from his stash in the secret victory cupboard — naughty! But we just had to celebrate Invitation being top of Yahoo trending for two hours. Mmmm.


Lot of members of public calling up to accept our Invitation, which is so sweet. Bless. Am having to explain that it’s a metaphor. We don’t really want people joining us, that would be silly. Where would they all sit? There’s barely room for me squashed on the end of a hotdesk playing accidental footsie with Mr Pickles, and it’s going to be just as hectic once we’ve moved into you-know-where. Jed’s been in to measure up and apparently we won’t even have room for the cappuccino machine. Dave’s gone home to do his TV debate prep. Says he can’t think in here with all the shouting. It’s not our fault. The phonelines are buzzing with parents wanting to set up schools and people wanting to start their own post office or pub or local heart surgery clinic. Jed says if it goes on like this we won’t need public sector workers at all, although we’re not to say this, obviously. Power to the People!


Gah! Jed has issued an Urgent Memo to all shadow Cabinet members: ‘Nobody to leave their wife until married tax breaks through parliament — I don’t care how miserable you are.’ Dread to think what was on brink of occurring. Surely no one could be so stupid as to fall out of love at this crucial moment in our island nation’s history?? I’m sure whoever was thinking of putting their own romantic happiness above the philosophical soundness of a key Modern Compassionate Conservative social policy will think again.