MONDAY
I thought Hague was Dave’s official deputy. But today DD phones Nigel to say not to panic, he’s in charge and he’s a got a battle plan to rival Austerlitz. Hour later he turns up and gives us all a pep talk (or was it a ticking off?). ‘Listen up: it’s going to be a bit different around here while I’m calling the shots. You’re all going to do some work for a change. No more of this girly ‘wellbeing’ drivel! There’ll be blood, sweat and tears — but by God you’ll thank me at the end of it.’ Poppy so happy she looks close to fainting. She actually fell over a little bit when he said, ‘Get me the latest security D code warnings’. Saw her and Wonky Tom from home affairs making notes in their little ‘Things that would be different if DD had won’ scrapbook. It’s sad, really.
TUESDAY
Phew, that was close. Foxy just rang to ask why he hadn’t had any phone calls for two weeks, even when he was in Turkey. Had to think fast. Told him the mobile phone company had gone on strike. Nigel says it’s only a matter of time before a reporter finds him and our ‘Fox containment’ strategy (i.e. block his mobile) falls apart. This is running in parallel with the ‘What to do about William?’ inquiry. New consensus is that value of keeping him rises with each cock-up, as he is living reminder of Bad Old Days, BC.
Have to draft letter to Mr Stringfellow thanking him for his helpful remarks calling for more heavyweight ideas and for his kind invitation to the pole-dancing fundraiser which of course Dave (‘plus guest! Eh? Eh?’) will be honoured to attend.
WEDNESDAY
DD back to Yorkshire for urgent hill-walking. Jed cancels terror statements and calls immediate brain-storming session — or heart-storming as it’s known nowadays — to come up with alternatives to people living in ‘little boxes’. Nigel, who is only meant to be taking notes, says, ‘How about big boxes?’ Think Jed is going to go ballistic but he nods and writes this down. Lot of iced coffee drunk, four whiteboards covered in scribble, pictures of happy couples with three children standing behind picket fences etc. (Dave says ‘three is the new two’).
Resulting conclusions: Poorer people in suburbs to live in ‘community parks’. No one allowed to build two houses next to each other in same style, strict planning rules to dictate pattern of streets. Prince Charles to oversee? Cars heavily taxed, if possible banned. Bicycles subsidised. Each house to have vegetable patch, different areas of Britain to grow different vegetables, people to sell what they don’t need to live on in specially regulated local ‘people’s markets’.
Nigel says there’s something about the plan that sounds a bit rum. He can’t quite put his finger on it. Don’t know what he’s worrying about. It’s inspired. One day will tell grandchildren I cleaned the whiteboard when ‘Homes for Happiness’ was dreamt up.
THURSDAY
Talk about silly season! A TV researcher rings to say they want to make a show called The Other Osbornes about Gideon and Fran. Relay conversation to Nigel in suitably scornful way but he goes bonkers with excitement. Am tasked with drawing up feasibility study.
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