MONDAY
Double code red alert: Dave’s going too grey! Huge postmortem into why we let a sprinkling of hairs which put him in touch with older voters escalate into whole patches of grey which led to an interviewer at the weekend uttering the T word*.
Obviously there are things we can do to minimise impact — Sam’s been to Boots — but there’s a feeling this would not have happened if we had had our eye on the ball and not been so wrapped up in the debate about spending cuts. Anyway, we must put this oversight behind us because a v exciting thing is happening this week: the long awaited launch of Merlin 2, our new computer system!! After much research into the demise of Merlin 1 (or Submarine Catflap as it became known), a new super-high-tech system is now installed in every single constituency office up and down the country allowing us to see what candidates are doing at every hour of the day — and night! Everything will be recorded and monitored and automatically fed back to Lord A in the Merlin 2 Central Control Room. Wish I was on the Merlin team but unfortunately have to type up press release on Labour’s ludicrous child protection database — yet more overbearing interference in citizens’ lives.
*tired
TUESDAY
Just to be clear, because there seems to be a lot of confusion: Merlin 2 will be measuring something called Candidate Activity Rates. Lord A and Mr Pickles (or Mini-Me as Lord A insists on calling him) will make a list each week of the Top Ten performing constituencies — and the bottom ten. There will be a prize for the most active and on-message candidates and incentivising penalties (such as Lord A taking his money back) for the laziest and most troublesome. Some candidates seem to be upset for some bizarre reason. Let me spell it out: there is absolutely nothing to be afraid of if you haven’t done anything wrong.
Speaking of wrong, I wish Mr Redwood would stop talking about these alleged reports on spending cuts he claims he’s written which have been ‘gathering dust’ on Mr Letwin’s desk for years. This is impossible. Cuts were Dave’s idea. He had the idea ‘back in 2008’, as he likes to say. He’s been begging Mr Redwood to be more radical about the issue for years.
WEDNESDAY
Gideon still v angry that people think he’s a Shadow Chancellor who can’t do numbers. He has installed two v large computer screens in his desk to prove that he can. We can’t find anyone to work them, but they look better than his old abacus. And his banker friends (note to self: must rename them ‘City advisers’) say they’ll stay in Britain even with his 50p tax — so does he need to do any economic analysis? Hammond (who Gids now calls ‘The Butler’) says it’s all fine. After all, he’s staying put.
THURSDAY
Alarms going off in the Merlin Control Room. Somebody in the Midlands keeps trying to switch off their computer. Silly! We thought of that. Candidates still moaning about the Tories setting up the surveillance society we’re supposed to do away with. One rings to suggest: ‘Why don’t you just put a microchip in our heads and programme Compassionate Centre Right instructions directly into our brains?’ Bless. What did they think the A List was for? Anyway, will tell Jed. I’m sure he’s thought of this already, but you never know.
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