SUNDAY NIGHT
Dave’s private office has just rung to say he wants me to accompany him on his earth-saving trip to Norway to highlight global warming — am so excited my climate’s changing! (Memo to self — restrain rubbish humour, must be picking it up from poor Mr Letwin.) V. select group. DC, Chief of Staff, Environment Spokesman and me — not so shabby being on the ‘gumby’ Defra brief now, eh Poppy?! Best thing is we’re travelling there on luxury private plane.
MONDAY
Mentioned trip 17 times this morning. Made me popular for a bit but think may now be losing friends. The other press officers are clearly trying to ruin it. Sebastian complaining that we shouldn’t be going on a trip to highlight the harm done by carbon emissions on you-know-who’s private jet. Talk about sour grapes! Dave and Zac say it’s all right because we’ll offset the carbon emissions, and they tell me I’m to see to it. Didn’t like to admit I hadn’t the slightest idea what they were on about. I think we have to switch off the cappuccino maker at HQ for a few days, or something.
PM Big problem. The glacier we were going to visit is ‘surging’, not shrinking. Yummy Zac points out that there is also a respected body of science which says that even if it was shrinking it may not be down to climate change at all but Ice Age 2 — which I thought was a cartoon.
Even more confused now. Dave pacing about shouting, ‘Find me something that’s shrinking! Where’s Steve?’ Nigel wailing, ‘Of all the vanishing glaciers in the Arctic we have to pick one that might actually be getting bigger.’ Nigel’s deputy, Charlie, who used to work for Mr Hague, is ecstatic, ‘It’s just like the good old days. A traditional Tory cock-up.’ Hateful.
TUESDAY
Donor-card spot check this morning. We all have to carry one now. It’s part of Dave’s ten commandments. Nigel says he can’t imagine why anyone would want his organs, they’re all pickled. Hope we don’t have to obey all the commandments. Don’t mind giving blood and not overfilling the kettle, but I draw the line at ‘get to know your neighbours’. Mrs Pargetter at Yew Tree Lodge can be very violent, especially when she’s nailing up her Veritas posters.
WEDNESDAY AM
This is it! Am taking mostly designer ski-wear, and of course my Kate Middleton-inspired fox-fur hat. Mummy forces me to take something for evening even though we will be staying in a hut with only huskies and a bloke called Joakim for company. She says, ‘You never know, Joakim might be a bit of a catch.’ Leaving after PMQs. Limo to the RAF base, private jet to Norway, light aircraft to the glacier. Hoorah!
11 PM Ny
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