Monday
Dave’s horrible clothes are a triumph! Of course everyone is claiming it was their idea, but the fact is no one remembered he’d got those smelly old trainers made out of recycled tyre rubber and wine bottle corks until I pointed it out. Sam was a bit trickier. Once Tom and I got over to the house and started rooting through things it was obvious we weren’t going to find anything scruffy so we had to improvise by scuffing a pair of her best boots with a spaghetti spoon. She wasn’t best pleased at first — lot of choice mockney swearing about stoning crows — but when the photos came out even she could see the wisdom of it. Everyone agrees that they looked even sadder than the bespoke scuffing on Prince Charles’s brogues, and I happen to know that was done by a professional! Am now officially in charge of Recession Wardrobe Services. Hooray!! Oh and the defection of Mr Freud is quite exciting too!! Quite a few calls on that front, actually, mostly from aspiring applicants. Some kind of strategy to manage them might be in order.
Tuesday
Chaos. We’ve got defectors queuing up and no way of processing the backlog. Jed says he’s going to have to set up a Special Reception Centre. You wouldn’t believe the sort of people who are begging us to let them in. They’re so desperate, it’s heartbreaking listening to their stories. But we can’t take them all, there’s too many. So we just have to reassure them that their application for Compassionate Elevation to the Lords is under consideration and we will get back to them with a decision as soon as we can.
In the meantime, will someone please explain to me why we’re warning about deflation and inflation? Surely you can’t shrink and grow at the same time? Unless you’re Mr Lansley trying to persuade GQ to do a photoshoot on your miraculous diet plan of course.
Wednesday
Another memo from Gordon’s people telling us why Dave must go in the back door of Number 10 at the Thatcher portrait reception. Apparently it’s not just him, everyone is being made to go round the back because of a problem with the front door not opening properly. Also they are adamant that the dress code is ‘white tie and tails’. This is v strange because when we asked someone else who’s going they said it was lounge suit.
Speaking of straitjackets, we’ve had to restrain poor Mr Hague in the Austerity Room. There are not many things the Compassionate CP won’t tolerate but going around talking about how Conservative MPs should come clean about their past experiments with cocaine really is going too far. We can only conclude that someone has spiked his drink with some kind of hallucinogenic that’s made him paranoid. Obviously, he must be locked up before he goes completely raving bonkers and embarrasses everyone.
Thursday
V enjoyable presentation by Mr Maude and Mr Letwin on why polls predicting a majority of 194 are a disaster for Dave. Lot of angry squeaking as they explained how it is precisely this sort of thumpingly huge lead that could ‘evaporate’ at any second. We must therefore work harder for longer hours and wipe the smiles off our smug faces before we completely ruin everything with our sickening complacency. We all had a really good laugh which was just what we needed before knocking off early for the weekend. I love working here!
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