Monday
Exciting trip to Norfolk for the ‘de-selection’. After a gruelling train journey east, Poppy and I tucked into a delicious spread in a heavenly tea shop with the biggest scones ever. Everything was so cheap! We bought two of everything in all the shops, and got some great deals on Haggarts Tweed. We then had to meet Sir Jeremy Bagge, Turnip Taleban commander, who demanded to know why ‘Central Office’ — I think he means CCHQ — had sent a couple of giggly schoolgirls to sort out the biggest challenge to Dave’s authority. What a cheek! We informed him that this was not the biggest challenge to Dave’s authority. That was when Mr Grieve nearly took a principled stand on grammar schools, but thankfully didn’t. And if he had any sense, he’d back down too because people who upset Dave end their careers in obscurity, e.g. as shadow justice secretary. He put a great big turban on his head and said: ‘No one frightens the leader of the Taleban Turnips!’ This may be so, but we did frighten all his turnip followers with Compassionate disincentives like the banning of bingo on Conservative premises. Did the trick.
Tuesday
Bit bored now we’ve sorted out Ms Truss. Wonder if should get stuck into all the other constituencies kicking up a sexist stink. Jed says he doubts we’ll find anyone as brilliant as Sir Jeremy to provide a focal point of pre-judice against which Dave can define himself as a Modern leader prepared to take on Neanderthals. There’s a landowner in Suffolk who looks promising but we’re going to have to plant a few more stories about all-women shortlists to rile him up. Wonky Tom suggested we actually impose an all women list, but Jed said that was the stupidest idea ever: ‘Maybe we should actually have a referendum as well!’ Tom said: ‘Well, maybe we should.’ I think he must have a job offer in the bag from a lobby company cos he keeps sailing ever so close to the wind.
Wednesday
Last-minute State Opening preps. What should Dave say to Gordon on the Long Walk to the Lords? After last year’s painful exchange about the contents of their iPods, Jed wants to go for more of a boxer’s pre-match joust. ‘You’re going down, you sure you don’t want to back out now, homeboy?’ That sort of thing. Sam in a hat crisis. Hard to beat the £7 beret worn by Sarah Brown last year, but a flat cap would have a certain mockney charm in keeping with her position as the People’s Affordable Style Icon. Also, Jed says we need to decide which of our education and health reforms we will be showcasing during the Queen’s Speech debate. For heaven’s sake, we can’t do everything!
Thursday
Lord Sugar rings to ask when we’re going to drop our ‘ridiculous smear campaign portraying him as a government adviser’. I pointed out that he is a government adviser. He said: ‘How many times do I have to threaten you people with legal letters? I am TV’s Lord Sugar. You’re fired!’ Dave says we’re to let Mr Hunt handle it. But when I rang his office someone said: ‘Jeremy Hunt Promotions, can I help you?’ I explained that we urgently needed Mr Hunt to do something in his capacity as shadow culture secretary but the lady said: ‘Jeremy is fully booked until March 2010. If you give me your details, I will put you on the waiting list.’ V odd.
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