Tamzin Lightwater

Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 21 November 2009

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

Monday

Exciting trip to Norfolk for the ‘de-selection’. After a gruelling train journey east, Poppy and I tucked into a delicious spread in a heavenly tea shop with the biggest scones ever. Everything was so cheap! We bought two of everything in all the shops, and got some great deals on Haggarts Tweed. We then had to meet Sir Jeremy Bagge, Turnip Taleban commander, who demanded to know why ‘Central Office’ — I think he means CCHQ — had sent a couple of giggly schoolgirls to sort out the biggest challenge to Dave’s authority. What a cheek! We informed him that this was not the biggest challenge to Dave’s authority. That was when Mr Grieve nearly took a principled stand on grammar schools, but thankfully didn’t. And if he had any sense, he’d back down too because people who upset Dave end their careers in obscurity, e.g. as shadow justice secretary. He put a great big turban on his head and said: ‘No one frightens the leader of the Taleban Turnips!’ This may be so, but we did frighten all his turnip followers with Compassionate disincentives like the banning of bingo on Conservative premises. Did the trick.

Tuesday

Bit bored now we’ve sorted out Ms Truss. Wonder if should get stuck into all the other constituencies kicking up a sexist stink. Jed says he doubts we’ll find anyone as brilliant as Sir Jeremy to provide a focal point of pre-judice against which Dave can define himself as a Modern leader prepared to take on Neanderthals. There’s a landowner in Suffolk who looks promising but we’re going to have to plant a few more stories about all-women shortlists to rile him up. Wonky Tom suggested we actually impose an all women list, but Jed said that was the stupidest idea ever: ‘Maybe we should actually have a referendum as well!’ Tom said: ‘Well, maybe we should.’

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