Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 21 October 2006

Monday

DD is on a major ‘guns ’n’ ammo’ high. It was manageable while it was just General Dannatt stuff, but now it’s spread — badly. No one could make sense of his rant about veiled Muslims being the ‘unexploded bombs of modern politics’ until Poppy pointed out that he was, for about three hours, in the bomb disposal unit of the territorial SAS. A quick phonecall to Doreen confirmed that he spent the weekend creeping up on mysterious packages in the back garden. Found it strangely unsettling when he approached me after morning conference and said, ‘Y’know, Tammy, sometimes the best way to avoid a big explosion is to have a series of smaller detonations.’ But then when I thought about it, I realised it made a lot of sense. Am wondering if we could adapt theory to deal with Mr Letwin. If we organised a controlled explosion in safe conditions just before we let him loose on Question Time, it would avoid all kinds of hassle.

Tuesday

Honestly! This gay and lesbian ‘approved employer’ thingy is just silly. And causing me all kinds of hassle. Mummy has got the idea that now we are sanctioned by Stonewall I can get Aileen from the village a job. Tried to explain that Aileen is 15 stone and wears three lip rings. Is she prepared to diet and balance on top of a pair of Manolos and change her name to something ending in -y or -ie? (Ailie? Puh-leese.) Because if not, frankly, people are going to question her commitment to the new (good) look(ing) Conservative party. People like me and Poppy and Polly and Sophie and Katie have made sacrifices to work in the unforgiving world of centre-right re-alignment, you know.