Monday
Dave wants an estimate. Says he wants us to ‘bottom line it’ for him. This is tricky. We’ve been ringing round constituencies all weekend and seats are coming up all over the place. Jed says we may have to bring in another A list. We’re going to need Cleanskins. More young women and people in their twenties with limited experience of all walks of life. More young women… more young women… Should I stand?!?! Where should I stand?!?! I would need a Surrey seat. But that doesn’t look so impossible any longer. Mr Gove seems to be hanging in. But what about Mr Grayling? Can’t believe I’m thinking like this, but Epsom would be jolly handy. No, I mustn’t do this. But still. No, I must focus on the job in hand. I need to ring Totnes to see if they’re getting rid of nice Mr Steen. Totnes. I would have to relocate Sesame but the riding in Devon would be heavenly. A small market town, pony shows…
Tuesday
With the Speaker gone, dignity and restraint are the watchwords. We must show that we are putting democracy and the future of Parliament first in all things, and not narrow political interest. As such we are going to sit back and let the Speaker election take its course. We will not be interfering or directing our MPs to chose any particular candidate, it is completely up to them. As long as they don’t vote for Little Johnnie Bercow — what a pain he would be! Ditto DD, and Dame Patrick Cormack. Goodness, no one would ever get a word in! But apart from those three, and Biggles Simpson, obviously, our MPs can pick anyone they want. Absolutely anyone. So long as it’s either Sir Alan Haselhurst or Sir George Young, who are clearly the two best candidates for the job and hardly need us to advance their cause by pointing this out all the time, so we won’t.
Wednesday
I wish Dave would stop calling for a snap election. If we have a snap election, I could be an MP in months! Or not! What if Poppy gets in first and bags herself a safe Surrey seat?! It would be too much if she ended up my local MP. I’d have to move. No, I must take control of my destiny and begin networking in Wibberley and the surrounding area immediately. Possibly I should be opposing that new housing development on the disused airfield. Or should I? What if it’s eco homes? What is our housing policy this week? Oh dear. I think I’m getting hysterical. If I’m not careful, I’ll end up like Nadine Dorries. One minute, you’re writing a respected diary, the next minute you’re rambling all over a blog about cooking 12-bird roasts and how your dogs get confused if you move them around too much. I must try to keep a clear head at all times. After all, I am a prospective prospective MP!
Thursday
The Mole rang again. Got the shock of his life when Jed snatched the phone up. ‘Never mind Damian not giving you a miserable little job as his fan-mail organiser. How about being the Anti-Moat Clearing Conservative Candidate for Change in the Glasgow North East by-election? What do you mean you’ve never been to Scotland? What sort of attitude is that?’
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