Monday
Do we want people to notice our policies or not? According to Nigel, we have just presided over an epic triumph — but shouldn’t we have told a few people while we were doing it?
If you ask me, it was a mistake giving the announcement to Damian. He was so polite and nice, no one noticed he was calling for an end to immigration. Poppy disgusted, called his performance ‘Rivers of Hugs’.
Damian’s preference was for an advertising campaign in new EU countries telling people that, if they wouldn’t mind, it would be awfully helpful if they didn’t come to Britain for a few years — unless of course they really had to, in which case, you know, well, fair enough.
Then DD got hold of the policy in between mountain peaks and it came out ‘cap on migrants’. How come DD gets mobile reception up mountains and in aeroplanes? Poppy says he has his own military-style communications network. (‘But I can’t tell you how it works, Tam. Need to know only.’) Nigel reckons he’s just sitting at the kitchen table with ‘yomping’ sound effects playing in the background.
Jed says the policy has ‘Be the Change’ implications. He has conducted a survey of shad cab and found that 95 per cent currently employ eastern European labour. Is drafting a stern memo along similar lines to our ‘Recycle or Die’ directive.
Tuesday
Forty per cent in polls! Chocks away! (‘But not Chocolate Oranges!’ says Mr Letwin to absolute silence.) Nigel opens a bottle of champers. When Dave comes into office we all stand up and clap. V moving. Toyed with idea of standing on my desk à la Dead Poets Society but decided against as wearing slippy heels and Dave is stickler for health and safety. Afterwards Mr Maude came by to ‘put us straight on a few things’.
Felt bit tiddly and may have let out hiccup while he was giving slide show on how 40 per cent would give us majority of 10: ‘Which means the Cornerstone group would hold the balance of power! It won’t be a week before the first ransom note lands on Dave’s desk demanding he bans contraception and brings back hanging! How would you all like that? Hm?! Hmmmmm?!’ One happy customer, at least.
Wednesday
This eastern Europe thingy has really struck a chord with the party. Today lots of calls asking for guidance, mostly on the implications for domestic carpentry plans. One of the swivel-eyed mob says his ‘Polish chap’ is halfway through a set of alcove shelves and if it’s OK by Dave he’d like to ‘Be the Change’ once he’s finished them — say, starting next Friday?
Dave v happy no one has noticed his new policy and at strategy meeting suggests we do something about traveller camps as well. Mr Letwin starts to hyperventilate, and eventually has to be carried out of room still sitting bolt upright in his chair whispering ‘Nice, not nasty, no, no’, etc., to himself.
Thursday
Don’t know how much longer we can keep Plan B (all-women shortlists) secret. There’s a 70-year-old Tory member in Epsom threatening to chain herself to railings, and an entire association in West Sussex gearing up to go on hunger strike if we go ahead. On the other hand, if we stall, Ann has told Bernard she’s going to her mother’s. It’s a tough call.
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