Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 25 July 2009

Monday

Clearly we can’t have people saying it’s one rule for bed-blockers and another for Notting Hillers. We can’t be accused of penalising backbenchers we don’t like while turning a blind eye to expense abuses by Dave’s inner circle. We need one deeply principled rule for everybody. So, after much reflection, we’ve decided to let everybody off! Hurrah!! Obviously we can’t give anyone their seat back, and for those poor old dears who have already had to stand down there is, unfortunately, little we can do now, no matter how much we would like to. However, we can send out a message that we intend to make good use of the talents of any old people who’ve managed to survive by putting them on all sorts of commissions, which Tom and I are busy thinking up now. (Suggestions on a postcard please, am bit stuck.) Hopefully this will also silence those silly people saying we should sack Gids for flipping*.

Tuesday

What a triumph! Mr Maude v gloomy of course. ‘That it should come to this: being the party most trusted to make spending cuts. The shame of it,’ etc. But even he can’t dampen the atmosphere of celebration. What is quite clear is that the British people cannot wait for Dave to get into Number 10 and begin the process of Compassionate Cuts. Mr Redwood is beside himself with excitement. We’ve had to tell him there’s no way we would consider his proposals or we’d never hear the end of it. But the truth is, we’re looking at everything. Even crazy outer space ideas! It is the anniversary of the moon landings after all! Nanu nanu!!

Wednesday

I do wish people wouldn’t panic.