Monday
Clearly we can’t have people saying it’s one rule for bed-blockers and another for Notting Hillers. We can’t be accused of penalising backbenchers we don’t like while turning a blind eye to expense abuses by Dave’s inner circle. We need one deeply principled rule for everybody. So, after much reflection, we’ve decided to let everybody off! Hurrah!! Obviously we can’t give anyone their seat back, and for those poor old dears who have already had to stand down there is, unfortunately, little we can do now, no matter how much we would like to. However, we can send out a message that we intend to make good use of the talents of any old people who’ve managed to survive by putting them on all sorts of commissions, which Tom and I are busy thinking up now. (Suggestions on a postcard please, am bit stuck.) Hopefully this will also silence those silly people saying we should sack Gids for flipping*.
Tuesday
What a triumph! Mr Maude v gloomy of course. ‘That it should come to this: being the party most trusted to make spending cuts. The shame of it,’ etc. But even he can’t dampen the atmosphere of celebration. What is quite clear is that the British people cannot wait for Dave to get into Number 10 and begin the process of Compassionate Cuts. Mr Redwood is beside himself with excitement. We’ve had to tell him there’s no way we would consider his proposals or we’d never hear the end of it. But the truth is, we’re looking at everything. Even crazy outer space ideas! It is the anniversary of the moon landings after all! Nanu nanu!!
Wednesday
I do wish people wouldn’t panic. Okay, someone forgot to invite Lord A to the donors’ party at Dave’s. Well, I say someone. It was obviously a clerical error. Nothing to do with someone at all. In fact, someone had a lot else on her mind at the time, what with thinking up new commissions to occupy ageing has-beens, I mean grandees. Anyway, it’s no big deal. Lord A reacted with predictable good grace. When I went in to apologise just now he told me he didn’t want to come anyway, plus there won’t be any need to invite him to any future donor parties since he’s no intention of giving us any more money. What a happy coincidence! Long strategy meeting to discuss Lords reform, which we are going to put off to the third term. Must say, the third term’s getting a bit crowded. Not sure how we’ll fit it all in, what with hunting and taxes and goodness knows what else!
Thursday
Sent home on swine flu leave. Apparently Lord A not as happy as he led me to believe. Funny thing is, I think I may actually have swine flu. Then again it could be a hangover.
*We would like to make clear that Mr Osborne did not flip his second home designation for profit. All flipping was agreed with the Fees Office and any profit was entirely accidental. Furthermore, due to an excellent tracker product, his mortgage is a great bargain for the taxpayer. For a full explanation of Mr Osborne’s mortgage, detailed briefing notes are available from CCHQ in a leatherbound volume you’ll love to keep, priced just £55.99.
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