Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 26 September 2009

Monday

OMG! It’s all systems go on our Balls Containment Strategy. Thank goodness we had it ready and didn’t listen to those people, not naming any names (Lord M) who assured us Mr B would never stick his big square head above the parapet. He’s clearly in a different league to the Milibanana who never gave us any trouble. This is serious. Big Ed has not only entered the spending cuts race — but has had a blow-dry at Daniel Galvin. Dave v angry. Wants to know how many school staff we are going to cut and why we didn’t think of sacking teachers. Also, do we think Dave should grow his hair a bit? Change his parting again? This latter point is going to have to go to a full committee. Meanwhile, Tom is number-crunching to see if we can come up with a more draconian way of slashing education spending which is also Kinder and more Compassionate. We’ve had to lock Mr Gove and Mr Gibb in the Austerity Room. They’ve gone all shaky on us.

Tuesday

Dave v cross that Mr Clegg has managed to cut the number of government departments from 24 to 12. Is demanding to know what we can get it down to. And we’re to make it an eye-catching number, not just 11. Wonky Tom worked on it for hours and came back with three. Jed said that sounded silly but Tom insisted it had all been scientifically worked out. Turns out all we need is a Department for Homeland Affairs, a Foreign and Defence Office and a Treasury which will control all other areas of spending, which, let’s face it, there won’t be much of. Estimated saving £150 billion! Hoorah! Dave also v angry that Libs are promising to tax the super-rich’s super-homes.