Monday
I don’t get it. One minute Labour MPs are trying to get Little Johnnie Bercow elected and then all today’s papers say what a scandal it is that they are trying to fix it for Margaret Beckett. But why would Brown want Old Ma Beckett? He hates her. It doesn’t make any sense. Jed says it is because Labour are ‘clever bastards’ and have ‘got us stitched up like kippers’. Poppy says it is ‘high politics’ in that imperious tone she always takes with me whenever I don’t completely understand something. All I’m asking for is an explanation of why Labour would pretend to … oh, hang on, I think I get it. They’re pretending to want Beckett to ruin her chances. But if that’s the case, why on earth haven’t we been briefing that we want Bercow and then Labour wouldn’t want him any more? Told Jed this and he went all funny and started kicking the desk and swearing. Poppy said: ‘Out of the mouths of babes! Is there time?’ But Jed just went on kicking things. I’m going to the pub with Tom to wait for the results. If it’s as bad as we fear, I may be incommunicado till tomorrow.
Tuesday
Hangover from hell. Only just made the morning briefing. Got there in time to hear The Line: Of course we must make it work. J.B. is the new Speaker and we must make the best of it by showing him the utmost respect at all times. We must also work as hard as we can to make sure that this opportunistic, divisive and colossally egotistical figure does not make a complete and utter fool of himself. Which, no doubt, he will when he starts reading out the title of ten-minute-rule bills like he’s delivering the battle of Agincourt speech from Henry V. But there we are, what can you do, eh? People have to make their own mistakes. And Lord knows John Bercow’s made a few! As Jed says, all we can do is sit back and gather as much information we can on all the dodgy demonstrations he went on as a student and collate every bit of embarrassing information on his expenses. To protect him more than anything else. We also need to identify the three Tories who voted for him. They may need psychiatric help.
Wednesday
‘Speaker’ Bercow rang up Dave before PMQs. Something about extending unto him the most sincere and august good wishes and to verily say in all earnestness that he beareth him no ill will, nor taketh amiss the many slights he hast most keenly suffered at our hands since time immemorial as he toileth for righteousness’ sake and that he thought it would be very meet if we did something or other for the cause of such and such etc, etc. Dave told him to sod off and eat his head.
Thursday
Bit of trouble with our new European allies. The Poles want to know what Dave’s going to do about banning gay rights marches when he’s PM. The Czechs keep ringing up to find out whether he’s going to the climate change denial annual conference next month. And someone called Topolánek has invited him to a pool party in Sardinia: ‘Dress — Naked But Casual’. I suppose this is only to be expected. After all, no one ever said defeating federalism would be easy! All the same, think I’d better ring and find out if he can wear Vilebrequins.
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