Tamzin Lightwater’s New Year’s Resolutions
Here they are, my New Year’s Resolutions for 2009:
1. Keep job. Make self indispensable to Dave, thus ensuring that should the axe fall again on the Tory nerve centre as Britain plunges ever deeper into recession, Yours Truly will be last person Jed thinks of when he’s trying to make savings, and not just escape redundancies cos am the only one here who knows how to restart the cappuccino machine, which is running a limited service only, by the way — no chocolate sprinkles until further notice due to Compassionate Cutbacks.
2. Devise responsible yet headline grabbing fiscal stimulus. Gids’ and Mr Letwin’s proposals on the economy, while brilliant, just aren’t making headway for complicated reasons to do with voters mistakenly thinking they’re a load of rubbish. What puzzles me is, why has no one found The Big Idea? How hard can it be to come up with something slicker than Gordon’s plans to plunge Britain into a gazillion pounds worth of debt? Am sure can think of something. Just as soon as I shift this hangover.
3. Ignore the polls. They’re clearly rogue. Even Mr Maude is beginning to get bored of them. You can have too much of a good thing, you know, and he hasn’t enjoyed sustained falls like this since Mr Hague was in charge. Which reminds me, must try and have another go at persuading Mr H to take ‘Leader of the Opposition’ off his letterhead. Dave doesn’t like it.
4. Find out why wasn’t invited to Lord A’s Xmas party at the Landmark. It’s not as if it was all that exclusive. Even DD was there. Is it something I’ve said? Does he not like me? Am panicking just thinking about it. Fear it is because I was the one sent to nag him about leaving all his packing boxes outside in the corridor instead of moving them inside his office which he promised Dave he would ages ago. If am on his blacklist I may as well give up now on idea of ever becoming MP for somewhere with nice bridle paths.
5. Read everything Mr Redwood’s ever written. Not pleasant I know, but in these testing times we all have to make sacrifices for the good of our country. I reckon the answer to everything is inside his brain, we just need to work out how to access it. Possibly there is a password — Nanu nanu!?
6. Practise Compassionate Thrift. Learn how to be Modern genius with designer leftovers, sewing and shopping in secondhand stores for vintage Chanel, etc. Stop spending money on pointless fashion trends which can ill afford in recession. But not until have bought super Onitsuka Tiger trainers like Sam’s in That Christmas Card!
7. Be nice to Mr Clarke. He’s the exciting new force in Conservative politics and v much the face of the future. Ditto Lords Lawson and Lamont. Read Lord Lawson’s funny articles about climate change. Try to convince self that global warming is a myth. Develop healthy aversion to huskies. They’re not that cuddly.
8. Think of something kind to do for Gids. Try to be tolerant and respectful of those who suffer from a tragic lack of judgment and struggle to get their heads around what it means to be Responsibly Preparing For Government and not selfishly provoking headlines about yachts and billionaires and organising UnCompassionate parties for toffs in their mansions. We’ve all done it, but let’s keep quiet about it from now on, shall we?
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