So exciting! Where better for The Party of The North to hold its last conference before taking power than Manchester? This is a vibrant city with many shops, restaurants and nightclubs. The cultural scene is diverse, the tap water is drinkable, and local people are friendly and welcoming. That said, please dress casually (no club or old school ties) and observe local customs wherever possible, especially when outside the secure zone.
In terms of theme — think great, sweeping ideas! Wonky Tom is moaning that all our super new policy proposals won’t stand up to scrutiny. He just doesn’t get it. They sound absolutely lovely and as for detail, well, that’s what civil servants are for and we’ll have loads of those in few months’ time!!
MONDAY
Mr Pickles will kick things off by making lots of jokes in a funny accent about not knowing what blogging is! He really is only joking of course. He knows full well what it is and will be doing it nonstop or Dave will want to know why! Then Mr Letwin and Mr Maude will hold a live debate between themselves about ‘Change’. If we manage to get them off the stage before nightfall, there will be a keynote speech by Boris. No promises. We may have to cancel our favourite Mayor before he can tell us what a brilliant potential leader he is. How sad.
TUESDAY
Few bits and bobs on the platform. Some speeches on the economy. Nothing to see here. Then, the event of the week: Gay Pride night! Come along to the world-famous Manchester Gay Village to see all your favourite Gay Tories and a surprise appearance by a senior shadow cabinet member who will be coming out especially for this exciting occasion! (Subject to change. Depends how badly we need another headline after Gids’s speech.)
WEDNESDAY
Mr Grayling will be staging a live Trisha-style debate on ‘asbo kids’, roaming about the audience with a microphone asking delegates searching questions about their private lives. You have been warned. Later, come and help us celebrate Big Time at the ‘Party for Change’ with roller disco, champagne and karaoke MPs singing their favourite songs! (Don’t worry: Michael Ancram has been told he can’t do Bob Dylan. We’ve moved on, frankly. Florence and the Machine and Mika impersonations only please!)
THURSDAY
Mr Hague will make a brief statement about Europe. Unfortunately, due to pressures of time, this will be at 6 a.m. sharp and entrance to the hall is limited owing to unforeseen problems with the catering facilities.
Then, the moment you’ve all been waiting for! Keynote speech by the next Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland The Rt Hon David Cameron! Podium or no podium?? Notes or autocue??? All will soon be revealed!
*We want as many people as possible to take part in this year’s conference so if you wish to say something, anything at all, either in the hall or on the fringe, email us now with full details, along with your home address, mobile number, passport and national insurance details so that we can clear it with Dave, allowing you to relax and enjoy yourselves!
Comments