MONDAY
Mr Maude stormed out of his Still A Very Long Way To Go Sub-Group meeting this morning. Normally, he is the only one who enjoys these but Nigel says that JRI (as the ‘Jonathan Ross Inquest’ must be referred to round the office) is really pushing him to the edge.
Confused: the briefing on Saturday was that Dave’s appearance on — well, on that TV show — had been a triumph. Mr Letwin said that, in his judgment, the interview had ‘exuded perhaps the most tempting, appealing and altogether succulent aroma of any Cameron televisual appearance to date’. (Mr Letwin talks about ‘aromas’ a lot these days: Poppy says he needs some aromatherapy).
Anyway, after the Sunday papers wrote up all the horrible stuff about Dave and his supposed feelings about Baroness Thatcher — as if he would feel anything other than grateful loyalty to her — the new line-to-take is that The Floppy Haired Interviewer (name now banned from office) is a ‘BBC leftie’. Lots of talk about revoking the charter and abolishing the licence fee. Nigel said it is brilliant, ‘just like the good old days when we lost elections’. Mr Maude cackled, ‘And who’s to say we won’t lose the next one? Hmm?’ Then he stomped over to the frappuccino machine and kicked the plug out of the socket, thus disabling it.
TUESDAY AM
Rule Britannia! Tasked with top-level ‘post-story briefing’ on Dave’s exciting proposal for a British Bill of Rights. Spoke to several key media organisations, including Penrith Radio and Hartlepool Rock FM. The position is, in a very real sense, robust and clear: no more Brussels diktats and Estonian judges! From now on, our rights will be made in Britain and nowhere else! Weird, though. Poppy was on the phone telling a Guardian columnist that Dave’s Bill was ‘full-on Continental liberalism, yah, with a Tory twist, sure’. She said that Dave was a constitutional revolutionary, in the tradition of Jefferson, Malcolm X and somebody called Robespierre. I hope she knows what she is talking about.
PM
Mr Davis called from his car phone ‘just for a chat’. I am not sure who he was looking for but he got me and called me ‘Tammy’ throughout. Asked me if I was impressed with his ‘brilliant cat-and-mouse game’ with John Reid and how he had expertly manoeuvred Charles Clarke into letting rip. ‘Read Tsun Tsu, Art of War, Tammy,’ said DD, as I stirred my Starbucks Guatemala Antigua coffee of the week which I got with my loyalty card. ‘It’s all in there: “If your enemy is fat, humour him. If he has big ears, confuse him. If he is sacked….” Oh, hold on, there’s a diversion. Bloody hell. Oh, where was I? Yes, Clausewitz. Alan Clark used to say to me….”’ Then he got cut off. Say what you like about DD, he is a very clever man. Which is why he and the other Dave are such friends now. Lovely.
WEDNESDAY
All the newspapers say that Mr Blair is going to resign. For some reason, everyone here is very sad. When Gideon heard the news, apparently he said, ‘We shall not see his like again.’ Mr Letwin misted up. Only Mr Redwood laughed. ‘Ha! That’ll teach him to win three elections!’ Beastly. A black day for all compassionate Britons, of whatever party. What shall become of us?
tamzinlightwater@spectator.co.uk
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