Monday
Some v awkward people are deliberately misunderstanding what Dave said about women- only shortlists. We feel we must remind these people that troublemaking is fundamentally unConservative and that any further attempts to disrupt Compassionate Cameronian principles of compliance with the party line and non-resistance to the stated policy of the leadership will be met with the strongest possible measures. Just to be clear: when Dave said, ‘I want women-only shortlists’, he did not mean that we are going to bring in women-only shortlists. Duh!! What he meant — and I can’t believe we are having to spell this out — is that we may or may not have all-women shortlists at some point in the future, quite possibly by accident. Or not. Now, let that be an end to all this silly talk about constituencies being forced to select Cameron Cuties. Which reminds me, must think up a better name for them. Dave’s Darlings? Dave’s Divas? Yes, that’s much more dignified.
Tuesday
Chairman Pickles took morning strategy meeting and showed off his little blue book of ladies who may or may not form a shortlist. ‘We’ve got some really lovely lasses on the list. Some absolute stunners. Look at that one!’ And everyone whistled. ‘Of course they’ve got brains too, mind. So remember not to patronise them when you ring up and ask for their vital statistics.’
Speaking of statistics, a lot of bankers are asking what we suggest they do with a bonus of £2,000, or £1,200 after tax. Some of them are complaining that there isn’t much you can buy with that. Honestly, talk about lack of imagination. Gids is furious and is trying to come up with a list. So far he’s got: A nice meal out, a roll of wallpaper, a Smythson’s sponge bag…, ‘er… can you finish this off? I’ve got to go and have my hair straightened again.’ It does look better, doesn’t it?
Wednesday
More shocking talk from our MPs about wife-swapping. We really ought to get on top of it. What sort of example does it set to the electorate if we go around advocating swinging? Wonky Tom says they are only talking about secretarial work but I don’t believe a word of it. No wonder they are all opposing the selection of more women. There wouldn’t be enough wives to go round then, would there?
Manned the Activists’ Hotline for an hour and broke the golden rule by engaging. One of them said that if Dave forced him to have ‘one of those new-fangled women candidates’ he would ‘refuse to put a single leaflet through a single door come the election’. I asked why he didn’t like women. Big mistake. He went on and on about a matron at his prep school. Before long he was in tears and I had to put him through to Compassionate Resources. Never again.
Thursday
Oh dear. Tom and I may have made our feelings a bit too obvious by having a big poster saying Tony For President! on the wall by our desk. Nigel says that while we are all obviously hugely conflicted we cannot afford to let our personal feelings cloud our political judgment. We simply cannot have a situation in 2010 where another charismatic leader is competing with Dave on motorcade size. We could have all sorts of nonsense to deal with, including which one of them stops the most traffic. A chilling thought. I think I’d better back the one whose name sounds a bit like ‘rumpypumpy’. I bet he goes everywhere in a taxi.
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