Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 4 August 2007

Monday

I can’t take much more of this. Even Daddy says I need a holiday and our family motto is ‘Don’t Make a Fuss’ (it sounds better in Latin).

It’s just unbearable, non-stop horridness. Every time we think we’ve got on top of it another Dipwig (Deeply Irrelevant Person With Grudge) comes crawling out of the woodwork to have a go at poor Dave. I wouldn’t mind but they’re all complete losers. At least DD has come out fighting for us. He’s on a major military discipline metaphor high.

He addressed the morning strategy meeting and it was really exciting. Lot of talk about something called the Maginot Line and a v interesting slide show entitled ‘From Static Defence to Penetrating Counter-offensive’. He was quite masterful. Made me think Dave would look nice with a bit of a wave in his hair. Maybe some grey.

Spent the afternoon working my way through the list of people we offered a peerage to then never coughed up. It’s as long as your arm. I’m to sort them into ‘Sour Grape Factor’ ratings. The ones with the highest score are going to get invited round to Dave and Sam’s for lasagne. Nigel says it’s not much of a plan but it’s all we’ve got.

Tuesday

Thank goodness the trip to Pakistan is off. With all the mutiny, I haven’t had time to go shopping for Compassionate outfits suitable for hot weather. Drafted statement saying it was down to logistical reasons. This is not a lie. Being unable to arrange a single meeting with any of the Key Players because they haven’t heard of the rebirth of Modern Conservatism is about as ‘logistical’ as it gets.

Jed called us into the Boaden room for a pep talk.