Oh dear. Maybe Mr Maude was right. Maybe we are heading for... no, I won’t say it. I refuse to say the HP words. A few rogue polls, that’s all it is. Dave says this would never have happened if we had got his No Complacency message out properly. We are now under orders to brief that ‘we take nothing for granted’ to at least 50 journalists a day. If we do not fulfil our anti-complacency briefing quotas, we face having our pay docked.
Still, there’s some good news. The first official portrait of Dave has been unveiled to universal acclaim, making worthwhile all those hours we put into brainstorming whether or not he should wear a tie (obviously not!). However, we are not complacent. We do not take the success of official portraits for granted and remain vigilant about the possibility of portrait failure at all times.
The minor, private matter of Zac’s money seems to be rumbling on. This is odd. Because as we have made repeatedly clear, and as anyone who knows him will tell you, Zac is not British and therefore nothing to do with the British tax system. He is actually French like his father. This explains not only why his super 300-acre ecological farm in Devon and £7 million house in Richmond are owned by companies based in the Cayman Islands, but also why he’s so scrummy! Anyway, there’s no point people getting upset because we’re going to make offshore billionaires like him pay loads of tax when we get into government. Which is another reason to Vote Conservative! I think that deals with it. Now, I’ve got to get started with Mr Gove on PMQs prep. After last week’s little mix-up with Hizb ut Tahrir we’ve decided not to leave it til after last orders at the Marquis again.
Damn! What a nuisance. Our holding position on Zac won’t hold at all. Not even a bit. In fact it’s so not holding we’re going to have to make him pay our proposed non dom tax right now. Which means that in order to be fair, we’re going to have to make candidates pay all our other proposed tax rises as well?! So, will anyone standing as a Conservative candidate with income above £150,000 kindly make cheques out to CCHQ for the extra tens of thousands now owing please. Thanks.
More hassle! For some reason, some v stuck up candidates are making a fuss about our Extended Daveification strategy (part of Emergency HP Avoidance Measures). Not naming names (Nancy Mogg and Wilf Jones), but a few rather unhelpful people are refusing to drop a barrel.
Thankfully lots of candidates are setting a fine example — most of our Pierses have agreed to become Peter, or even, heroically, Pete! Several Jameses are becoming Jim, Stephens becoming Steve and a few Melanies becoming Mel. Horray!
Meanwhile, I think I speak for everyone when I say how saddened we are to say farewell to Dame Patrick Cormack (or Pat Mack, as he likes to be known). We had to whittle his ten-page retirement statement down to three pars but I think we captured the spirit of it.