It’s that time of year again My Fellow Compassionates! So here they are, my New Year’s Resolutions for 2008!
1.) Go easy on the policy. I don’t know about you but I’m suffering a major hangover in this department. Not that I haven’t enjoyed being at the cutting edge. I was as surprised as anyone when Dave adopted all 26 of the ideas I scrawled down on Pony Club notelets during one particularly gruelling emergency manifesto writing session. But enough is enough. If we’re not careful someone is going to dig out all these promises and hold us to them when we’re in government!
2.) Get on the right side of Lord Ashcroft. It’s becoming obvious to me that Lord A is the real power around here. I don’t mean to diss Dave. It’s just that when it comes to money, strategy, organisation and attacking Labour, Lord A is the man in charge. Everything else is down to Dave, so he’s still very much a leader in complete control of his party.
3.) Send back tax return and advise Nigel asap about that free bag of pony nuts I accepted from Wibberley Horse and Rider. You can’t be too careful.
4.) Present my Boris merchandise to the world. There’s been a health and safety issue with the wigs, which have turned out to be flammable. Wonky Tom went out for a ciggie while road-testing one and set his head on fire. Not a good moment. Especially since Wonky T’s head is all that’s keeping the Tory research department in clever ideas, according to Jed. As he is fond of declaring: ‘If we lose that nerd to Google we may as well shut up shop.’ Praise indeed!
5.) Find a husband. I know I put down ‘stay single’ last year, but I have reluctantly come to believe that marriage is nothing less than my solemn social duty. I guess you could say my conversion to the IDS agenda of Traditional Victorian Values in a Modern Setting is centre-right progressive politics in action!
The lady at the dating agency says I have to be specific. So, I’m looking for a handsome, rich, influential, public-school-educated, right-wing man, about 6ft with dark hair, preferably based within riding distance of Wibberley so I don’t have to change my hacking routine. (Initial signs not encouraging. Stupid woman said she had just the thing and then showed me a picture of Ed Miliband!)
6.) Be nice to Mrs Spelperson. She can’t help it. Also Mr Letwin. Try to remember not every- body can be slick and impressive and that sometimes we need to be compassionate and extend the hand of inclusivity towards those who don’t do anything useful and are extremely annoying.
7.) Avoid DD. I can’t be the only one with this on their 2008 list! He really is the most cross-patchy old stick-in-the-mud. His latest obsession is hammering Labour to death on 28-day detention when all Dave wants to do is co-operate with the government because it’s best for the country. Which is precisely what the internal polling says he should do. That’s proper principles for you!
8.) Read at least one book by Mr Redwood. This may be overambitious but I want to get a heads-up on our philosophy for the coming year. And to think he was the past once! Nanu Nanu! And Happy New Year!!
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