Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 5 January 2008

It’s that time of year again My Fellow Compassionates! So here they are, my New Year’s Resolutions for 2008!

1.) Go easy on the policy. I don’t know about you but I’m suffering a major hangover in this department. Not that I haven’t enjoyed being at the cutting edge. I was as surprised as anyone when Dave adopted all 26 of the ideas I scrawled down on Pony Club notelets during one particularly gruelling emergency manifesto writing session. But enough is enough. If we’re not careful someone is going to dig out all these promises and hold us to them when we’re in government!

2.) Get on the right side of Lord Ashcroft. It’s becoming obvious to me that Lord A is the real power around here. I don’t mean to diss Dave. It’s just that when it comes to money, strategy, organisation and attacking Labour, Lord A is the man in charge. Everything else is down to Dave, so he’s still very much a leader in complete control of his party.

3.) Send back tax return and advise Nigel asap about that free bag of pony nuts I accepted from Wibberley Horse and Rider. You can’t be too careful.

4.) Present my Boris merchandise to the world. There’s been a health and safety issue with the wigs, which have turned out to be flammable. Wonky Tom went out for a ciggie while road-testing one and set his head on fire. Not a good moment. Especially since Wonky T’s head is all that’s keeping the Tory research department in clever ideas, according to Jed. As he is fond of declaring: ‘If we lose that nerd to Google we may as well shut up shop.’ Praise indeed!

5.