Monday
Wish we could decide whether the recession is over or not. Or at least decide what shape it is. Mr Letwin and Mr Willetts spend hours in the Tranquillity Room arguing about whether it’s a V, W or an L. My own theory, which I put forward at morning strategy meeting today, is that we are in a B-shaped recession. I don’t think everyone understood. Tom said ‘don’t be ridiculous. Who ever heard of a recession shaped like a B?’ He’s always undermining me, probably because I rejected his advances. Told him he can pour scorn on my macroeconomic predictions all he likes. But we have to plan how many more bad news stories we need to get us through the recession. Warnings about how we’re all going to be living in darkness, with no gas or electricity, while unemployed youths high on drugs riot on the streets don’t come out of thin air you know. They take months of research to dig out the relevant figures and find experts in far-flung private rest homes who will verify them. And yours truly is sick of being a performing bad news monkey. I need to know how much longer I’m going to be churning out ‘Pub Ready’ speeches for Mr Grayling and Mr Clark or I’ll go mad. Anyone would.
Tuesday
Can’t believe Anne Robinson is going around bragging about how we asked her to be on our Red Alert Emergency Reserve List of Last-Resort Mayoral Candidates If All Else Fails. Everyone else who was on that list (including half of Gids’s office) keeps jolly quiet about it. You don’t hear Boris going on about it, do you? Little Al Duncan on the phone again. Wants to know when we are going to sack him and why we don’t just get it over with. How many times do we have to explain? This is not how Dave operates. Dave is a Compassionate Leader of a Modern Party where silly people who disgrace themselves are not cut adrift and allowed to float back to the highly remunerated world of oil trading. As Jed says: ‘The little s**t’s going to work off the damage he’s done by being a lightning conductor for however long we need one. Then we’ll sack him.’ It’s compassionate justice in action.
Wednesday
Great response to Mr Pickles’s Tory t-shirt competition, in association with Howies — for all your compassionate casual clothing needs! We’ve been inundated with responses on Mr P’s v popular blogsite from people desperately excited by the offer to design things for us — posters, election slogans, a new logo, manifesto ideas, whatever they can come up with really! By the way, could anyone with a few minutes to spare please log on to Mr Pickles’s blog and post something. It would make him so happy and free me up considerably. Thanks!
Thursday
Party conference planning meeting. V tricky this year. We can’t have stands any more because that’s just sleazy and shows we are in the pocket of lobby groups. Which leaves us with a huge empty space in the exhibition hall. Thought about having David Davis, gagged, in a cage — but he’s sworn he’ll spend just eight hours in Manchester. So we’re going to have an enormous interactive replica of a glacier with an electric model of Dave and the huskies sliding backwards and forwards over it! There will be beanbags for people to sit on while they reflect on the big issues like climate change and Dave’s brilliance and how they shouldn’t even think of making any trouble for him at fringe meetings. Can’t wait!
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