Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 9 June 2007

MONDAY

I wish everyone would just calm down. It’s like the inside of Mr Willetts’s smaller brain (the one he used for grammar schools) around here. Don’t see why everyone is hysterical just because we are getting a new Director of Comms. So Gary’s from Essex and used to be a tabloid newspaper editor. It doesn’t mean he won’t be Caring and Compassionate.

He’s going to have the office next to Jed’s —it was a big stipulation of his contract that they have almost equal billing but Jed says ‘almost equal’ is a very specific term. Lot of funny-looking crates being piled up in there, most of them marked ‘Specialist Equipment: Do Not Touch’ and ‘Group 4 Surveillance Products’. Wonder if it’s like that dial technology Mr Luntz left in the basement?

TUESDAY

Was having lovely chat with Laetitia in the private office about how much we fancy Mr Bridges when Poppy slammed her hand down on the phone and cut me off. ‘Anyone could be listening, you fool. Can’t you hear the clicks on the line?’ Apparently Gary used to be involved in something called ‘Royal Bugging’ and has installed state-of-the-art technology everywhere. Poppy says it’s only a matter of time till DD launches ‘a full counter-surveillance ops strategy’.

Then Wonky Tom came by and made hand signals at me, like he was doing street mime. When I couldn’t work it out he leaned in really close and said: ‘Do you want a smoked salmon bagel?’

Was almost glad it was time to take Mr Willetts fresh felt tips. He’s been in the Tranquillity Room ‘getting it all straight’ for four days now. Jed took his proper pens away. Said they were too sharp, he shouldn’t be left alone, etc.