Monday
Good job we don’t do negative campaigning any more. If we did we’d have to start a unit called Blears Smears! As it is, in this post-McBride era, we are simply setting up Operation Ginger Whinger. Much more professional. We need to combat any potential threat from the tiny, squeaky woman even if it does seem unlikely that she could lead a government. It is curious, isn’t it? A once mighty party coming up with a man who waves a banana and a miniature person on a motorbike as candidates for the leadership. There’s something suspicious about how rubbish it is. Nigel says he’s sure they’ve got someone sensible up their sleeve, like nice Mr Purnell, and that Hazel is just a red herring. Oh I just got that!
Tuesday
What a speech, what a powerful call to arms. Dave is good, isn’t he? ‘The Glorious Day of Change is Coming!’ will surely go down as one of the greatest pieces of local and European elections oratory of our time. Jed says we’re not to get too excited. We’ve a lot of Glorious Change to be getting on with ourselves. ‘Like how the hell to get out of Married Tax Breaks.’ He’s right. Obviously, economic circumstances now dictate that we cannot possibly give tax breaks to middle-class people no matter how married they are. But how to explain this? And there’s Captain Smithy to be thought of. He’ll go ballistic, literally, and start threatening to shoot people. Jed says some sort of ‘gaffe’ might be in order, someone ‘putting their big foot in it’ and ‘accidentally’ floating the idea that we may not be able to offer married tax breaks in a first term. Let’s just hope we can get hold of Ken at such short notice.
Wednesday
Just back from the Jarvis Cocker Room where we’re stacking the hunting letters. If they don’t stop pouring in soon we’re going to have to do some sort of recycling deal direct with China. What makes it worse is we have to read them all to check for donors threatening to withdraw cash. Jed says Gary is never to speak about hunting again. Fancy telling the lobby we weren’t going to repeal the Hunting Act! How silly is that?! If we weren’t going to repeal the Hunting Act we shouldn’t brief it till after we win. Of course Gary’s right in a way. It’s obviously fine how it is — if anything it’s more exciting. Sesame loves galloping after sabs. But the donors don’t seem to see it like that. They seem to think, and I suppose one can see their point, that they’ve paid their millions and they want their repeal. They’re banging on about the referendum again as well. Can’t think about it now. Off to Stamford Bridge.
Thursday
Will have to think about it after all. Mr Hague in terrible state, insisting that if the Treaty is in force by the end of the year we must still have a referendum. When we point out there won’t be any point, he starts humming: ‘But there is a very great point! Hmmmmmm! The point of allowing the British people their saaaaaay! Hmmmmmm!’ He won’t listen to anyone telling him that once the Treaty is ratified we will need to actually do something, like wholesale renegotiation of our membership of the EU. ‘No! We must ask the British people! Hmmmmmm…’ It’s impossible arguing with him, like trying to talk to a vacuum cleaner which has got stuck on a carpet tassel.
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