Tamzin Lightwater

Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 9 May 2009

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

Monday

Good job we don’t do negative campaigning any more. If we did we’d have to start a unit called Blears Smears! As it is, in this post-McBride era, we are simply setting up Operation Ginger Whinger. Much more professional. We need to combat any potential threat from the tiny, squeaky woman even if it does seem unlikely that she could lead a government. It is curious, isn’t it? A once mighty party coming up with a man who waves a banana and a miniature person on a motorbike as candidates for the leadership. There’s something suspicious about how rubbish it is. Nigel says he’s sure they’ve got someone sensible up their sleeve, like nice Mr Purnell, and that Hazel is just a red herring. Oh I just got that!

Tuesday

What a speech, what a powerful call to arms. Dave is good, isn’t he? ‘The Glorious Day of Change is Coming!’ will surely go down as one of the greatest pieces of local and European elections oratory of our time. Jed says we’re not to get too excited. We’ve a lot of Glorious Change to be getting on with ourselves. ‘Like how the hell to get out of Married Tax Breaks.’ He’s right. Obviously, economic circumstances now dictate that we cannot possibly give tax breaks to middle-class people no matter how married they are. But how to explain this? And there’s Captain Smithy to be thought of. He’ll go ballistic, literally, and start threatening to shoot people. Jed says some sort of ‘gaffe’ might be in order, someone ‘putting their big foot in it’ and ‘accidentally’ floating the idea that we may not be able to offer married tax breaks in a first term. Let’s just hope we can get hold of Ken at such short notice.

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