My friend Allan Lamb calls me a ‘cricket tragic’, back-handed complement from a former English international cricketer. So the prospect of flying out to Australia and watching the first Ashes Test in Perth was too seductive to ignore. I knew pretty early on that the cost was going to be exorbitant. A gruelling 24-hour flight – and therefore serious jet lag – meant that either a premium economy or a business-class airfare was necessary. But as this was a bucket-list moment I indulged in the latter.
Then hotel prices during an Ashes Test were inevitably ramped up and six nights at an ordinary inner-city hotel ended up costing twice as much as the norm. Finally, it seemed to make sense to watch the Test in a box, which would include a company of top sporting characters and cricket analysts.
So, this was the Rolls-Royce version of a cricket tour on the other side of the world. The cost? Something in the region of £10,000 – and I hope my wife is not reading this.
The five-day Test ended after just two days. A total of just 860 balls were bowled over four innings. An estimated 20,000 English cricket fans were there, most of whom had flown out from the UK and many have already flown home in disgust. One paid an extra £2,500 to change his flight rather than stay on in the hostile, gloating environment that our former colony has become. Pom bashing is at a crescendo and the newspapers mocked our defeat as a cultural triumph.
Who is to blame for what is clearly an international sporting farce that has cost our cricket followers dear? Was it the fecklessness of England’s controversial Bazball philosophy, which demands bold, attacking cricket under all circumstances? Or has the Australians’ fanatical desire to win at all costs crossed the boundaries of fair play? Our national newspapers’ cricket correspondents seem to have settled on the former conclusion and far be it from a humble ‘cricket tragic’ to contradict the likes of Mike Atherton and Nasser Hussain.
However, for me the Barmy Army chant of ‘same old Aussies, always cheating’ comes to mind here and as I sit in an eerily quiet Perth city centre on what should have been Day 5 of the Test match. When touring teams arrive in England they are invariably accorded the privilege of acquainting themselves with local conditions by taking nets whenever they wish and playing practice games against decent opposition.
I have it on good insider authority that Cricket Australia, the game’s ruling body Down Under, not only refused the tourists a decent practice match at the WACA, but also severely restricted their access to net practice both at the WACA and at Optus Stadium, where the Test was played. Instead, they had a two-day practice game at Lilac Field, a soft, low-bounce ground with conditions that were the antithesis of the Optus arena.
I have spent £10,000 to watch 860 balls of a match that went against my side
Added to which, the massive Optus Stadium is an unkind cricket venue. Unlike Perth’s famous old cricket ground the WACA, which it has replaced, this is a multi-purpose arena that has none of the intimacy of traditional cricket grounds. This is place where they host Metallica concerts.
Then there is the abuse directed at our players and the supporters. When fast bowler Gus Atkinson retreated to the fine-leg boundary after being flayed by Travis Head, he was subjected to the most horrific abuse he has faced in his short international career… ‘You’re fucking useless, Atkinson, and you’re a cunt.’ As their national side steamed towards victory the abuse and hysteria ramped up. Atkinson had never heard anything like it on a cricket ground and neither had I. The Australian fans might take a leaf out of the Barmy Army Code of Conduct, which states ‘We seek to be entertaining while singing and creating songs and not use offensive language.’
Either way, I have spent £10,000 to watch 860 balls of a match that went against my side. It confirms Allan Lamb’s description of me and probably ensures I shall never commit such a folly again. Whingeing pom? I expect many Australians will take this point of view. But evidence suggests otherwise.
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