Donald Trump: I Am Trying To Save Scotland

The SNP’s other big idea – apart from independence – is to make Scotland a kind of renewable energy pioneer. To that end, something close to open season has been declared on parts of the countryside as developers rush to erect as many windfarms as can feasibly be erected in, well, just about every part of the country within easy cabling distance of the national grid. Like many others, I am not wholly persuaded this is an unmitigated blessing. Tidal and wave power in the Pentland Firth (or Sound of Islay) is one thing; plastering the countryside with windmills another.

Enter Donald Trump, harrumphing from stage left. The “tycoon” has until now enjoyed a chummy relationship with the national authorities who backed his plans for a spectacular golf course carved out of the dunes north of Aberdeen (pictured above). This despite initial opposition from the local council (though, to be fair, when I was in the area last November, most people I spoke to favoured Mr Trump’s development). Now, however, Mr Trump is having second thoughts. This, perhaps, is not surprising since his plan to build several hundred expensive houses as part of his development has been buffetted by the consequences of the Great Crash of 2008.

Now, however, Mr Trump has delivered a broadside against Mr Salmond, accusing him of being the worst thing to happen to Scotland since, well, I suppose, Edward I. The cause of this disenchantment? The government’s cheerful endorsement of an offshore wind-farm that could, on a clear day, be seen from Mr Trump’s golfing playground. He has written a most entertaining letter to the First Minister in which he declares his latest mission is to save poor Scotland herself:

You will single-handedly have done more damage to Scotland than virtually any event in Scottish history. I am doing this to save Scotland. Taxing your citizens to subsidise wind projects owned by foreign energy companies will destroy your country and its economy. Jobs will not be created in Scotland because these ugly monstrosities known as turbines are manufactured in other countries such as China. These countries are laughing at you. You will be long gone, but the people of Scotland will forever suffer. I have just authorised my staff to allocate a substantial sum of money to launch an international campaign to fight your plan to surround Scotland’s coast with many thousands of wind turbines. It will be like looking through the bars of a prison and the Scottish citizens will be the prisoners. Luckily, tourists will not suffer because there will be none as they will be going to other countries that had the foresight to use other forms of energy.

Those with no love of Mr Salmond (or Mr Trump) will doubtless enjoy this mightily. And, granted, the lack of an indigenous windmill producing industry lends a smidgen of sense to Mr Trump’s objections. Nevertheless, it is amusing to think that Mr Trump, having considered but regretfully rejected the idea of saving the United States from its own desperate future should now turn his attention to tender Caledonia. How noble of him! What a bonny trooper the man is!

Admittedly, the ignoble thought persists that perhaps – just perhaps – Mr Trump is not quite as cash-flush as he was and is looking for a way out from his previous commitments. As I say an ignoble thought and doubtless the kind of speculation we should banish from our minds. I am sure The Donald of Park Avenue of that Ilk has neither such troubles nor such intentions and no-one should think otherwise. He is, as he tells us, a billionaire after all.

Perhaps, however, while he is on this crusade he could petition the government to demolish Aberdeen’s tower blocks which must also, surely, be bound to drive tourists away from his golfing masterpiece. (Which, to be fair again, it most probably is: given the setting it would be hard to build a dull or average course.)

Here, at last, is the champion the pro-Union trops have been waiting for. Cometh the moment, cometh the nincompoop.