Everyday surprises

It’s so unnerving, knowing there are going to be two big surprises tomorrow night (2 January) on The Archers, but having no idea what’s in store.

It’s so unnerving, knowing there are going to be two big surprises tomorrow night (2 January) on The Archers, but having no idea what’s in store. Experience warns me that it’s not going to be pleasant. But who’s for the chop? The press release says one half of the double-whammy will play out an existing storyline. That’s easy. I bet we’ll find out that Ian is the secret father of Helen’s baby. For the uninitiated, he’s gay but ages ago wanted to be a sperm donor. Meanwhile, Helen opted for IVF having given up on men — except for her pal Ian. He’s been decorating the nursery ready for the baby’s imminent arrival. Surely that’s a dead giveaway. He must be the father, without knowing it.

This could be the touchy-feely twister. But what about the second shocker? I daren’t predict what it might be, having been so wrong about the cricket. (I should have known that the England team would collapse after a display of such swaggering confidence. It’s just not British to be so cocky.) But, contrary to the sedate image of the rural soap, past form suggests there’s likely to be a violent, tragic and very noisy ending to tomorrow night’s anniversary episode. A huge fire in the village hall as the panto is in full swing? A big bust-up in the Bull? Some ghastly accident on ice to puncture the festive idyll at Lower Loxley?

What a weird way to celebrate 60 years of the radio soap (it’s now the longest-running soap on any station anywhere in the world), terrifying five million loyal listeners with such intimations of mortality.