Faking it

In Competition No. 2443 you were invited to supply a letter from someone on holiday pretending they are having a good time when in fact they are not.

This was tricky because some of the incidents described were beyond the pretence of enjoyment. Simon Massey, for instance, led off with: ‘See Naples and die, they say. Well, you know how literal your father is — or was, as we shall now have to get used to saying.’ I was amused by Adrian Fry’s hotel in Chechnya — ‘wonderfully intimate: local couples can’t afford more than a couple of hours here but certainly enjoy it’ — and J.H. Smith’s unBellocian hiking holiday: ‘George prefers 12-mile walks but has happily compromised on a seven-miler every day of the fortnight as long as we agree not to stop at a pub.’ The prizewinners, printed below, get £25 each, and the bonus fiver is Rosemary Fisher’s.

The nightlife here is just amazing — carries on until the early hours. And right on our doorstep too! Certainly keeps us in the holiday mood. Rachel says she’s truly delighted the local cuisine doesn’t agree with her as she’s rapidly managing to shed those surplus pounds that refused to budge at home. At this rate she should be able to fit into her bikini by the time the hotel pool’s ready at the end of next week. Temperature’s much the same as at home, so with a bit of luck there’ll be little chance of the kids suffering from sunburn this year. We keep reminding ourselves of the cash we’re saving on those ridiculously expensive high-factor lotions. On top of all that, the place is absolutely chock-a-block with fellow Brits right now, so we’ve all been spared from having to cope with the usual boring language problem.
Rosemary Fisher

Heather darling, this is the idyllic spot, looking down over the olive groves to the sea.