Lucy Vickery

Gizza job

In Competition No. 2897 you were asked for a job application by a well-known writer, living or dead. Inspiration for this comp came from a young Hunter S. Thompson’s characteristically unorthodox pitch for a position at the Vancouver Sun. An unflattering portrait of his relationship with a previous employer — ‘The man despised me, of course, and I had nothing but contempt for him’ — is followed by an attack on journalists en masse, who are, he says, ‘dullards, bums, and hacks …stuck in a bog of stagnant mediocrity’. The godfather of gonzo didn’t get the job.

Commendations to Peter Goulding, R.M. Goddard and Josh Ekroy. The winners take £25. Alan Millard pockets the extra fiver.

Dear Sir, with pleasure I apply
To be a keeper at your zoo,
Of creatures none knows more than I
Nor so deserves an interview.
I know the chimp is not a chump,
And why a trogon never trots
And how the camel got its hump
And why the leopard grew its spots.
I know how rhinos got their skin,
Why kangaroos such long tails grow,
And all about the origin
Of what made animals ‘just so’.
There’s not a beast I don’t adore
Nor any creature that I hate,
Oh please employ me I implore,
You’ll find no finer candidate.
Alan Millard/Rudyard Kipling
Hwaet! I, who before put Beowulf in book,
Here privily pursue the princely post,
Tesco’s command, that company’s kingship.
Much craft is mine in management of men.
Strict shall be my strategic structuring —
When I axe men I mean no metaphor;
No pension-pots are paid posthumously,
And cruel cuts carve away costs.
Reclaim we must our might in the marketplace,
Full well I know how to nurse this need.
We shall wage war with warrior bands,
For those who love us loyalty have sworn,
Ravage and raze all rival stores,
Cast them to earth, but keep their customers,
The ranks reward with riches two-for-one,
Thus shall we gain gold and great glory.

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