Steerpike Steerpike

Go on Bridget, now that Mark Darcy’s dead — marry Daniel Cleaver! #taxbreak

Our world has been rocked by revelations that Bridget Jones — described as ‘the world’s most famous literary singleton‘ — is now a widow. Her ex-husband Mark Darcy has left her with two children and a life lived through social media. Bridget is now obsessed with a toyboy called Roxter, a 29-year-old she met on Twitter.

Pull yourself together, Bridget! The solution is obvious to Mr Steerpike (oh all right! Lady Steerpike was my inspiration). You must get hitched to your long-time, on-again-off-again love interest, the devilishly endearing Daniel Cleaver. Here’s why:

1). If Hugh Grant reprises the movie character, at least it will keep him occupied. #hackedoff

2). Getting married again might qualify you for David Cameron’s new tax break#everylittlehelps

3). Daniel’s 1990s love-rat antics now seem almost quaint in today’s super-sexualised world. #twerk #miley

4). Being in the publishing industry, Daniel is presumably literate. His tweets and texts will be comprehensible. #phew

5). Daniel has been a regular, dependable presence in your diary for two decades, and is now in his 50s — older than our political leaders Nick Clegg, George Osborne and Ed Miliband. #experienced #consistent

6). He will always keep your children entertained#barbie #DVD #guns

7). Granny knickers are back! #phew

8). Do you really want to stay with a man called Roxter? #no

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Steerpike
Written by
Steerpike

Steerpike is The Spectator's gossip columnist, serving up the latest tittle tattle from Westminster and beyond. Email tips to steerpike@spectator.co.uk or message @MrSteerpike

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