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This item from Martin Bright (Welcome, Comrade!) risks leaving one speechless:
Now word reaches The Bright Stuff that the man who has never knowingly apologised for anything is preparing his very own “mea culpa”. I am told that Whitehall officials have been ordered to make a compilation DVD of Obama’s various apologies to the American TV networks to be studied by the Prime Minister. The idea of Gordon Brown practising a humble self-deprecating manner in front of the mirror based on what he has seen on his training DVD doesn’t bear thinking about. But then again… maybe it does.
So… Picture the scene deep inside the Downing Street bunker as the Prime Minister, advised, it seems, by Rory Bremner and Armando Iannucci, addresses a fretful nation...
“Fellow Britons, it is with great regret that it seems it is necessary that, in such tumultuous times, I must appear on television tonight. As you may be aware, the economy has recently developed in ways that are not necessarily to Britain’s advantage. It would be easy to say that this is yet another consequence of 18 years of Tory rule. Easy and, of course, I believe, true. [Pause for thin smile.] Nevertheless, let me make one thing above all quite, er, clear: Even though it’s traditional, even proper, that the buck stops with the Prime Minister I don’t blame Tony Blair for the present economic difficulties at all. [Grin sheepishly wolfishly.] Mistakes do happen, you know. Nobody’s perfect. Not even Tony. When this government encouraged risk-taking and suggested the good times would never end, these were decisions taken in the full and certain knowledge that this was what voters wanted to hear. For that I am sorry. Here we spent, we chuckled, for we could do no other.