Hard sell | 15 January 2015

In Competition No. 2880 you were invited to provide a publicity blurb for the Bible to sell it to a modern audience.

Kieran Corcoran presents Jesus as a social media sensation — ‘He used to have 12 followers but now he has TWO -BILLION!’ — and Derek Morgan pitches the Good Book as the go-to self-help manual: ‘Going to a garden party and nothing to wear? Trouble finding accommodation at peak season in a small town in the sticks? A house on a flood plain and weather forecast looks bad?’ Other strong performers in an uneven field were John O’Byrne, Sylvia Fairley and Josh Ekroy.

The prizewinners, printed below, earn £30. The bonus fiver belongs to Pamela Dow.

‘His name’s Christ. Jesus Christ.’
The classic franchise is transported to the Levant where our hero has to interpret an unclear mission from ‘G’ with the help of an eclectic pool of talented agents, some of whom have almost certainly been ‘turned’ by an evil underworld kingpin with designs on global domination. In this wholly epic tale we find out more about our hero’s backstory and as ever share the many women in his life: the virgins, the saints and the sinners. Will JC finally die for Kingdom and Country or can he pull off an audacious resurrection at the 11th hour? Contains scenes of mild jeopardy, sexual innuendo and considerable violence.
Pamela Dow
 
Tracing the story of the world from day one to a shockingly vivid Apocalypse vision, in a book that’s had readers literally on fire with passion for its message, here’s the self-help manual-cum-history we’ve all been waiting for. Painstakingly translated and revised, it’s now available in an exciting new, accessible edition.
 
It’s bursting with tips on providing nourishing meals for vast numbers of unexpected guests and coping with life events such as both childbirth in awkward situations and infertility; plus, the 40-day detox-and-diet is guaranteed to shift those post-party pounds.