Jasper Rees

Heaven knows they’re miserable now

Vikander emotes earnestly; Fassbender gives good nose-crying; the soundtrack is a long series of heartbreak emojis

The Light Between Oceans is one of those films that comes issued with a handy how-to-use manual. Shudder as hero arrives on remote Australian island to man lighthouse. Cheer when in swift dash to mainland he secures hot bride to join him. Grimace when her womb proves incapable of holding anything in for a whole nine months.

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