Lucy Vickery

Heaven’s gate

In Competition No. 2958 you were invited to submit a conversation between St Peter and a well-known figure who is demanding admission to heaven.
Although the brief asked for a dialogue, Janice Harayda’s Donald Trump made the cut despite St Peter not getting a word in edgeways. Given that Trump doesn’t come across as the greatest listener — when asked who he consults on foreign policy he replied that his primary consultant was himself — this struck me as an altogether plausible ­scenario.
Sid Field’s wisecracking Groucho Marx and Martyn Hurst’s silver-tongued Tony Blair deserve honourable mentions. The winning entries, printed below, earn their authors £30 apiece.
Donald Trump: ‘We will make heaven great again when you admit me. We have no choice, Pete. When earth sends us its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re bringing crime. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing copies of their obituaries in the Washington Post. The Washington Post! I revoked the press credentials of that paper. That’s how bad it’s gotten. We’re gonna deport heaven’s undesirables. You know those Brits who signed a petition trying to bar me from their country? We’re gonna build a wall to keep ’em out. And we’re gonna make ’em pay for it. How? It’s simple. They can use the money they were giving to the European Union. I would also get along very well with people who get past the gates, like Vladimir Putin. Did you know he called me “bright and talented”? No? Well, you should, Pete. We have to put start putting heaven first.’
Janice Harayda
Boris Johnson: ‘You will discern, Your Saintliness, that I stand before you not wholly redolent of the odour of sanctity.’
St Peter: ‘I don’t judge by smell, Sir Boris.’
BJ: ‘Indeed not. I only meant to indicate that I came late to true belief.’
SP: ‘I’m aware of your deathbed conversion.

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